Last night Jason handed me a bottle. “Try this,” he said. “It’s incredible.”
I looked at the label: Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape. Then I smelled it. “Uh oh.”
“What? Taste it.”
“I don’t think I should. You do realize that artificial grape is my favorite flavor, right?”
“You can’t even taste the alcohol.”
“That’s my point. You should just drive me to Betty Ford right now.”
“DRINK IT.” Jason likes to force feed me things all the time and no matter how much I fight it, he never gives up and I usually comply.
So I try it. It’s basically grape Jolly Rancher, with a hint of grape Kool-Aid. “Son of a bitch. That is delicious.”
“I know, right? And it’s 5% alcohol.”
“I hope you like roommates who stumble around wasted in their bathrobe all day and like, throw shoes at you.”
“Would you throw stuff through the window? Because that would be funny.”
“This is the kind of stuff that alcoholics pour into water bottles and take to work.”
“It’s f*&$ing goooo-oood.”
“Never allow me to buy this stuff. Do you hear me, Jason? Never.”
“I thought you liked grape?”
“I also like pizza but I’m not going to order it every day. There is a reason why people don’t try heroin. Never. This is never allowed in my mouth ever again.”
“That’s what she said.”
To be honest, the longer I sit here writing about Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape, the more angry I’m getting. This is a drink made for children and it has an alcohol content that I’M uncomfortable drinking.
LISTEN UP BEVERAGE COMPANIES: ALCOHOL NEEDS TO TASTE LIKE ALCOHOL.
When I was a teen, I couldn’t stand the taste of alcohol. It took me about 2 hours to finish my first beer. And even though I had fruity drinks to choose from, they still tasted like crap: Boones Strawberry Hill, Bartles and James Peach, Seagram’s Mixed Berries, ZIMA, etc. I could taste the booze and therefore, I couldn’t slam it. I would drink it at a proper pace and could feel myself getting drunk. Therefore, I stopped drinking when I needed to stop.
I promise you, teenagers are going to CHUG Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape (and the strawberry one that is just as candy-ish). This is especially true if they are sharing their stash of booze, and most teens do. Teenagers drink shared booze the way kids in huge families eat their dinner: if you want your share, you have to grab it fast.
Never has alcohol poisoning been so easily accessible. I already know that kids are going to drink themselves into comas over this. An entire generation of teenage girls just lost their virginity because of this drink (and sorry dudes, but that is a bad thing).
When I was a little kid, I would always choose grape candy. And if my parents had this in the refrigerator and I saw the grape pictures, I would try it. And because it doesn’t taste like alcohol, I would love it. Again, 5%. Terrifying. I’m well aware that the wrong products are marketed to kids all of the time, but this is the first drink that definitely would’ve killed me if I had tried it.
I’m not saying it is a bad drink. Smirnoff Ice made a fine product… it’s just too good. This is not a Benjamin Button world; there are a lot of little people running around who don’t know better, and they would not be able to handle themselves if they got a hold of this. It should be illegal.