Confessional

Every Saturday night I tell myself that I’m going to church in the morning, and then every Sunday morning I chicken out. You guys, I once jumped from a bridge onto a (slow) moving train; you’d think I’d be brave enough to put on my good outfit and clap my hands in a pew for an hour or two.

I think I’m just scared because I’m in one of those phases where I’m looking for something different, and church is one of the few frontiers I haven’t explored in over a decade. If I go there and it isn’t what I expect or what I need (which is what happened the last time I tried and gave up) then where the hell do I go from there? What’s left?

I haven’t smoked since Tuesday morning. I haven’t drank since Monday night. I’m not quitting drinking, but it’s sort of necessary to take a break for the first few weeks if I don’t want to smoke, especially with the mood I’ve been in lately.

When I studied abroad years ago, I learned so much about myself because I was so far away from everyone and everything I knew – I was only left with the person at the core, and for the first time in my life I could get to know her and see what she was capable of.

I feel a little bit like I’m in that boat again, only emotionally. What do I do when I can’t smoke every time I feel bored/sad/angry/fat/happy/relaxed/etc.? How the shit am I supposed to have fun when I can’t go bars or parties or even kick it at a friend’s house with a beer? I think I said this the last time I tried to quit smoking – the problem with quitting smoking is you have to face all of the problems that you masked with smoking.
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Yesterday I went to the Show Me Etsy craft fair and ran around Lafayette Square with a friend from work and it was the most comfortable I felt all week, because I usually see her at the office – not when I’m drinking or smoking – so I knew how to act. I feel like I’m having to relearn the way I behave around a lot of people.

I’ve started buying presents for my niece. I repotted my pepper plant seedlings and they are a little pissed about it. I’m going to take advantage of this windy, un-humid day and go running. I have RQ’s roasted broccoli in the oven right now. Like I’ve said before, this is a very responsible Spring. But if I can find excitement in the midst of all this responsibility, then I’ll be able to find it anywhere, right? Right?

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This is how boring things have gotten: I am still really obsessed with the Osmonds so I googled the shit out of them yesterday. Their Wikipedia entry reads like the freaking Bible. I love how their 100 children all formed their own bands and now there are dozens of tribes of singing Osmonds, like a musical version of the Flying Wallendas. I secretly desperately want to go to The Osmond Family Theater in Branson, Missouri to see all 8,000 Osmonds in person.

My favorite Osmond is officially Alan because he’s the tallest and cutest (and – I shit you not – he learned karate from Chuck Norris). I almost went with Jay but he’s the drummer and you know how I feel about those. Jimmy Osmond scares the shit out of me. My least favorite Osmond is Wayne. Sorry Wayne. Have I ever told you guys about how much I loved Davy Jones and Peter Brady when I was a kid? I think it’s totally normal to obsess over teen idols from the 70’s.

Next week: church? Maybe. Eh.

Why My Butt Hurts

Not impressed? I was halfway down that hill.

Still not impressed? Even though I’m 5’2? Even though I smoked for 15 years? Even though it looks like a mile-high brick wall in person? That’s okay. I’m surprised enough for the both of us. It’s probably terrible for that old stress fracture in my foot, but I’ve had a lot on my mindgrapes lately.

Totally worth it.

And Though My Love Is True-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo

The more I listen to my friends complain about their boyfriends, or see the boyfriends treat the girlfriends like shit, or notice the girlfriends acting pathetic just to keep the boyfriends, or all of the above… it just makes me feel so, so, so incredibly relieved that I do not have one.

Sometimes I act more happy about it than I actually am as a defense mechanism – and I’m sure it’s obvious when I do – but in the past week I’ve seen more downsides than upsides and I’m filled with a sincere appreciation for this rare freedom that I have.

I’m very lucky to have a sweet guy in my life who is on the same page as me. He’s willing to give the exact amount of attention and time that I’m willing to give – which is not that much – and it remains a cute happy thing as opposed to one of us feeling jealous, neglected, etc.

SIDENOTE: I don’t want RQ to think I’m talking about her boyfriend (we talked about him on Monday, but it was all cute stuff). And the above paragraph is in no way a “friends with benefits” situation. As much as I love spilling my guts to you guys, I would never blog about something like that. Or, um, do something like that. Y’ALL, I am a LADY.*)

* I CANNOT read this sentence without hearing Kenneth in my head, can you? Weird.

I know that when people fall in love, all their convictions fly right out the window. They put up with things from this new person that they would never accept from anyone else. Hell, I fell in love with an alcoholic pizza cook who smelled like old basement, remember? None of his faults mattered to me; I just wanted to buy him beer and bake cookies and kiss him 24/7. Sometimes I still do. That’s love. It’s the greatest yet dumbest thing that can ever happen to you.

I’m not making a huge declaration that I will never have a boyfriend ever again. Shit happens and by shit I mean Cupid. When it comes to love, I have absolutely no say in the matter and I’m aware that the same is true for my friends.

I guess my point is, this week I am feeling like a lot of dudes I know need to MAN THE F**K UP because you’re making this single lady feel pretty grateful that she doesn’t have a boo like you.

Also, for reasons both related and not: I ABSOLUTELY F#@KING LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Hot For The Osmonds

You guys, I have five tiny little boners in my heart. Adorable heart boners. In matching outfits.

FUN FACT: The Osmonds f*#&ing rocked.

For further evidence that they rocked and were totally hot, check out Crazy Horses. (PHILOSOPHICAL SIDENOTE: if a YouTube video is “embedding disabled”, does it really exist?)

I’ve been trying to spread the gospel of The Osmonds and their, like, three rocking songs for a week now.

Pandy and I have crushes on all of them (hold ME tight, Merrill), but we both agreed that in the above video, Donnie Osmond reminds us of Shane from The L Word. This fact confuses us in about ten thousand different ways that our bodies do not understand, and it drags up a lot of old issues that he and I promised to never mention again.

P.S. I saw Paul Simon tonight!!! He sang “Mrs. Robinson”!! Wheeee!!!

I Don’t Want To Break A Thing

Going to see Paul Simon tonight with Tom; I’m pretty excited.

Today is one of those weird days where it looks like it’s about to rain all day but it never does and it’s just breezy and relaxed and beautiful without being all sunny and intense. Does that make sense? I like when the weather is perfectly in sync with my mood.

“Fate to Fatal” is on YouTube now. I never watch videos in HQ when people tell me to, but I did this time and trust me it is 1,000 times better. You can see my amazing acting at (and only at) 1:44.

Actually I paused on us and RØB made me laugh so hard that a screen grab is in order:

Also, super awesome Breeders article and interview by Jaime!

“Fate to Fatal” is probably my new “Thrill the World” in that I will link to it every month for a couple of years until I participate in something else equally as cool.

I’m doing something almost as cool and top secret on Tuesday. I’ll be able to tell you eventually and you guys will be so proud of me.

Speaking of pride, Erin and Courtney’s blogs have been entertaining me extra-a-lot lately. Kudos, funny ladies. Also, Janet actually WON the Twin Peaks Fest t-shirt contest and the guy who played the giant will be wearing her shirt?!?! Did I gather that information correctly?? How am I lucky enough to be friends with such awesome people??

Tonight: Paul Simon. Tomorrow: either Fire Walk with Me or stalking Rob Ruz. Monday: drunk Intervention with the Erins. Tuesday: something secretly awesome. After that, I will have to get creative when I talk to you guys, cuz as of now I’ve got nothing. I’ll think of something.

Happy Easter!

I just watched a kid crack up a bunch of old people with a fart machine for at least a half hour. Fun stuff.

My dad’s BFF John (the best man from my parents’ wedding!) usually invites us wherever his family goes for Easter. This year, his sister-in-law made a sausage egg casserole. I told her that my grandma used to make that casserole every year… and she confessed that my grandma actually gave her that recipe.

So, combine Grandma’s casserole with the fart machine, watching 8 kids frantically look for eggs, a Navy Seal vs. Somalian Pirates battle, and my dad and John making fun of each other all day… and I’d say it was perfect.

Also, after my legally-blind Dad nearly knocked a cup of coffee onto pure white carpet, he remarked, “I’m a great test to see how Christian you people really are.” Everyone laughed. My Dad is awesome.

And don’t worry everyone, I kept up my tradition of watching Coming to America. 6 years and counting. This deserves some sort of falsetto ballad:

Fun Things Are Happening (On The Internet)

Well, I suppose fun things are happening in my life, too:

* My parents are are almost fully recovered from their surgeries and are feeling SO much better that I got to go home. This means I get to stop worrying, start sleeping in my own bed and start running in the morning again.*

* Also, IT’S A GIRL!! I AM GETTING A NIECE!! YIPPEE!!! And my cousin is pregnant, too! BABIES!! Other people’s babies! I can hold them and then give them back!! YAAY!

* I’m going to see Paul Simon next weekend with Tom and that should be awesome. I’ve been listening to Neil Young nonstop in my car again, so I keep accidentally telling people I’m going to see “Neil Simon”.

* I’m attempting to find a church again (I looked for a while years ago and just gave up; it was so political and depressing) and my second favorite local artist Casey Reid recommended a cool place in Tower Grove so I’m going to check that out on Sunday. South City churches have to be cooler and more open-minded than West County churches, right?

* My favorite local artist/band, Grace Basement, is playing at Off Broadway on Friday!! Hooray! I’m hoping to see a lot of old friends (except for JOSH who I just called to be my date and he’s doing stand-up in Cincinatti that night LAME).

* Erin doesn’t know this, but we were in a contest to see who could go the longest without drinking and I beat her by three days. Neener. I’m trying to avoid drinking as much as possible right now. It’s more of a weight/non-smoking/money thing than a drinking thing, but I feel pretty good about it. This will repair the damage I did to my liver when I dated an alcoholic for 6 months. (DON’T WORRY ERIN & ERIN, I still want to drink beers during Intervention with you. It is the funnest.)

* Rob has been cheering me up a ton, and making things funner when I don’t need cheering up. We were IM buddies for 5 years before we met in person (even though he knows most everyone I know). It’s been a ball being people friends in real life.

Wow, that was more fun stuff than I thought! Okay, FUN STUFF ON THE INTERNET:

* I did the intro for this week’s episode of Frank & Erik Internet Famous. Every now and then Erik puts out a casting call on Twitter and I got it. Chris walked around the corner as I was leaving the voicemail and scared the sh*t out of me, so I forgot to say “Internet Famous”. Oh well.I say I still sound precious.

* Before I link to this, DO NOT SCROLL UP ON THIS LINK unless you want to see pictures of severed fingertips. DO NOT SCROLL UP TO THE FINGERTIPS. However, the comment thread regarding the severed fingertips is pretty hilarious.

* I’ve told you about my love (and linked you to Rich’s love) for The Paper before, but now you can experience it for yourself and understand why. Sling.com just started a great new series called The Great Rewatch and Tara is doing a Rewatch of The Paper. YES.

* And finally, I’ve left this on a few special friends’ pages, but this guy is too good to keep passing around one friend at a time:

So according to my research, this week my life is actually MORE fun than the Internet. WHAAAT. Hopefully by the time I talk to you again, life will totally be back to normal and still fun and there will be five pounds less of me.

*I don’t know what it is about my parents’ house that makes me eat balony nonstop, but that’s about all I did last week while they were napping.

Lamps That My Parents Own

Sound boring? Well, before you judge, take a gander:

My grandparents were artists and collected a variety of art and weird stuff while my grandpa was alive. When my grandmother moved a few years ago, she gave my parents most of her belongings. And unlike most of her stuff, they actually use all of these lamps. As many of you know, my dad is legally blind. He requires a lot more light than most of us do, and as a result, some rooms in my parents’ house have 5 or 6 lamps.

This week, I had the pleasure of turning on and off all of these lamps for him. It took a few days, but one night I realized that each lamp I touched was weirder than the next. I love (almost) all of them. The pelican lamp above was my grandpa’s. Let’s continue.

Chicken lamp:

Disco lamp:

1992 Glamor:

Lucy from the Peanuts. My grandparents made this for me:

The buttest lamp to ever butt:

A pretty awesome lamp/table set. My grandpa added all the tiles. I am definitely stealing this one day:

Incredibly realistic lantern lamp:

Civil War lamp. My grandpa made this for my dad:

Medieval lamp:

Worth noting because it’s taller than me:

Not sure if my grandma made this one, but I wouldn’t doubt it:

Up close:

But I DO know that my grandparents made this one:

Keep in mind that these are only the interesting ones. There are about 15 more. Also keep in mind that I’ve been at my parents’ house for a week now and have serious cabin fever. SEND HELP.

Tater Shots

You guys, sometimes I invent something in my brain that is so awesome that I desperately want to share it, but it’s too dumb to have an actual purpose.

However, sometimes I have a friend who needs a cheer-up. And sometimes I am really sad and upset about my own stupid crap, and when that happens I try to do something randomly nice for someone else, because that is the fastest way to forget your own dumb problems just so you know.

And then…. andthenandthenandthen… sometimes all three of those things happen at once. And it just so happens that you and your dad are hanging out and are so incredibly bored, and it’s a way to resolve all three issues AND entertain yourselves. And that’s when you bring those ideas to life.

Listen up friends: when life gives you lemons…

… make a parTAYto!

It’s like the dumbest thing ever and that’s why I love him so, so much. My dad and I made him for Jen and Ron on Monday before my mom went in for her surgery. The parTAYto stands up by himself. I’d like to think he’s wearing a tuxedo t-shirt as opposed to an actual tux. Either way, he’s ready to par-TAY.

If I had hundreds of dollars to throw away, I would trademark this in a second. Until then, you can bet your ass I’m mailing this off to the Library of Congress. Copyrighted! I am declaring this parTAYto copyrighted and owned.

My dad and I were waiting for my mom to come home because she had my Power of Attorney papers. As I left their house, I was holding the Power of Attorney papers and parTAYto in my hand. And I stopped and said, “You know, this is probably the most ridiculous combination of stuff I will ever hold.”

Some day when I have no life (or this weekend when I’m still nursing my parents back to health) I would like to make more. One with a lampshade on his head. Two making out. One mooning people (I could totally carve a butt and peel the skin like a longjohns butt-flap). They’re like the other anthropomorphized potatoes, only all they do is parTAY.

So there you go. Par-TAY-to. Emphasis on the TAAAAY. Also you have to do a little dance when you say it. I’m a big silly.