The Science of Stephie

I’ve officially tried everything for my insomnia – pills, vitamins, herbs, a new mattress, auricular therepy, actual therapy, sleep hygiene, sleepy tea, staying up all night to reset my clock, waking up extra-early to run, sleep regression therapy, amino acids, cold medicine, etc…

… and nothing works. Absolutely nothing works. I have spent $500 of Visa’s money on stuff that doesn’t work this month alone. (Please don’t suggest things in the comment section – although I don’t know how to sleep, I am technically an expert at the topic and I am too tired to explain why none of your ideas will work for me.)

It’s seriously a miracle that I can compose a complete sentence with the amount of sleep I’ve gotten this week. I truly fear for my life when I have to drive a car. I can’t even talk to people. I can’t think. I can’t function. I’m on auto-pilot and it takes all my energy to not cry.

The only thing that works is chasing an Ativan or Ambien (or if it’s a bad day, both) with a few beers. So I guess my liver is fucked and I am too. It was nice knowing you (meaning, I don’t know when I will have the energy to hang out again. It probably won’t kill me til I’m fourty, or whenever things start getting good).



Filed under Sleep Disorderly Conduct

7 responses to “The Science of Stephie

  1. The Captain

    Have you considered traveling back to the Island? If the Island can cure Faraday’s time displacement problems then surely it can cure your insomnia. If the Island itself couldn’t do it, then I’m certain the smoke monster could… There was a brief time when I need alcohol to go to sleep, and I didn’t like it one little bit. I would say hang in there, stay strong, be positive, blah blah blah, but I think the best is probably Good Luck. On another note I saw that Christian Lander actually responded to you via Twitter last week about sports drinks and I thought it was über-cool. Stephie is now officially the Whitest Person I Know, good job!

  2. I read “Have you considered…” and almost got mad but LOL. I would totally consider the Island but now that You-Know-Who is you-know-what, what’s the point? Who would I snuggle with at night, bitchy Miles? No thank you.

    Yeah, the clander reply was fun; we actually emailed for a bit right when SWPL first started. I suggested a few things that white people like and he (being white) really liked them; no idea if he used them.

    Speaking of sites that are better than mine, are you coming to Mad Art Gallery on May 20th to see my buddy Davy and all the Found Magazine folks? You’d better!!

  3. The Captain

    I didn’t realize that the Found gang is in town this month. Week nites are usually tough for me, but I’ll this show should warrant an exception. And how do you know Davy from Found?

    Wait a minute… you know Davy, you correspond with clander, you work with Sludgie… are you totally a literary groupie?

  4. I promise you, somewhere in New York my friend Frank is reading your comment and laughing very, very hard.

    Well, Francis and I mutually dug each other’s blogs before he asked me to help with Sludgie. Davy is a long story. (Though, I ended up writing for him too!)

    Last time they were here it sold out, so get there early. It’s going to be so awesome!

  5. Lauren

    Didn’t the last guy you hooked up with write for McSweeney’s? I think The Captain has you pegged.

  6. Pingback: A Sequence In Time Repeated | Secretly Stephie

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