I Would Rather Have The Metaphorical Ones, Revisited

Another year, another chance to watch fireworks alone.

I’d like to think that I have a good sense of humor about being the perpetually single gal. I enjoy the productivity (and occasional attention) that emerges from heartbreak, I can turn even the shittiest dude into a good story, and hell, sometimes I find my bad luck totally hilarious. I mean, every circle of friends needs a girl like me. I’m a good sport.

But watching fireworks surrounded by snuggly couples is the one thing that still kills me. No matter how much work I do repairing my heart throughout the year, when the booming starts and I have no one to hold on to, it starts to break again.

The first two years were okay… I had a boyfriend who lived far away, but I had this hope that we’d live in the same city someday. Maybe next year…

Our long, roller-coaster break-up managed to coincide perfectly with the summer, so the next two years were spent with legitimate heartache. Maybe next year, maybe next year…

The next two years were super single and surprisingly fun, but the Fourth was always a painful reminder of the few painful parts of singlehood. Maybe next year, maybe next year…

Then last year I had someone! And I loved him a lot! And he ditched me for a party with better food. I spent the whole day fuming, and the whole night sad (and remarkakably cold; it was a chilly Fourth). Maybe next year…

I’m at a loss this year; it’s the last summer I will live next to the park and I feel obligated to take advantage of it. However, I’m not sure I can handle Round 8 without letting my bad mood effect my friends. And if the guy who ditched me last year decides to show up this time and ruin another year for me, I’ll probably throw my shoes at him or something awesomely drunk like that.

The Fourth used to be my favorite holiday, but this year I’m pretty sure I will just go home, rock a sleeping pill, go to bed and hope for the best.

Maybe next year.

~~~*~~~

I haven’t spent the week entirely depressed; Kevin and Monica had their wedding reception and it was perfect. I want to smile when I write about it as much as I smiled when I was there. So it will have to wait til the 5th, when I’ll be fine again. Like I said; it’s just the Fourth that kills me. The rest of the year, I find the bright sides, and there are plenty.

As much as I’ve accepted that love does not exist for me, there is no doubt in my mind that it exists for other people… and I’m so delighted and greatful that it exists for people as wonderful as Kevin and Monica.

I mean, can anyone be sad after looking at that picture? Nope, not even me on the Fourth of July. This picture makes me so incredibly happy. So I’ll leave you with that.

What’s Up With Charlie?

Sometimes I Think The Internet Reads My Mind

Badass.

The other day my mom told me that Dad was mad at Grandma. (This is an ongoing source of comedy for me and nothing new.) Mom said it was because she wouldn’t get him what he wanted for Father’s Day. I was sort of stumped about what to get him myself, so I called him.

“Well, what did you want?” I asked.

“Money.”

“Money! Money for what?”

“For this charity that helps children of Marines,” he said. “If a Marine dies on duty, they’ll pay for the kid’s college, or health care if the kid needs it.”

“Well, that’s really sweet,” I said, fighting back tears in my cubicle.

“I just figured… your brother used to be a Marine, and now he’s going to have a daughter, so it felt like the right one. I thought we could give money to that.”

“Dad, I love you. That’s so awesome. I’ll donate money if you want, but I’m still taking you out to lunch. What’s Grandma getting you instead?”

“Steaks.” He paused, which meant he was rolling his eyes and sadly shaking his head. “She’s giving me a bunch of those steaks again. Psh.”

When I even think about how much I love my dad, I start crying… so there’s no way I could sum it up here. But this is one reason why.

This – long sidenote – is also why I never call super-religious Republicans “crazy” or “retarded” or generalize them with any other names that us non-judgmental liberals like to use when describing them. And this is why I defend them sometimes, even when I totally agree with you.

Because while some Conservative Christians certainly are cuckoo, there’s also a batch of folks like my dad… a guy who bitches about getting a dozen fancy steaks when he could be giving money to charity. Obviously, you don’t have to be Christian to have a heart like that… but last year during his triple bypass, he lost even more of his vision and is almost totally blind. And on a day when he gets spoiled rotten and can basically request anything he wants – something he totally deserves after fighting so hard to stay alive and losing something so important and unexpected in the process – all he wants to help a bunch of children he’ll never meet.

So while he may listen to you-know-what and will debate me about basically every issue until I go nuts … he also throws me these WWJD curveballs that most people aren’t capable of pulling off. My dad makes me want to be a better person. And also, the fact that he’s still here and is so sharp and handles all his struggles with a smile and a joke… well, that’s proof that there is a God, at least to me.

But just in case you hate Republicans that much and need further proof that he’s not totally lame, here he is with a black eye and a gun, surrounded by angels:

My dad is a total badass.

Happy Father’s Day!!!

P.S. Speaking of charities, the Wolfner Library recently updated their technology and would love any of your old flash drives that you have lying around. Wolfner Library distributes books on tape to blind people. My dad has been getting their cassettes in the mail for over a decade (CDs and DVDs aren’t tangible enough for people with limited vision). The new media is pretty cool and is very easy for them to use. Plus, I’m sure those flash drives aren’t biodegradable. Please send them in, or give them to me to send!

Go Shortcake, It’s Your Birthday

Every June 11, Shortcake gets one year older. And every year, I forget to acknowledge it. Well, this is the 5-Year Blogiversary, kids. So it’s time for a pat on the back. No no, not my back. Yours.

I usually don’t talk about the amount of hits I get on this blog unless it’s a big milestone. And I certainly don’t delude myself into thinking that I’m remotely talented or well known just because strangers read this. In fact, people on Tumblr and Twitter are so obsessed with their “followers” and pseudo-fame that I’ve gotten a little grossed out and considered not even acknowledging this little landmark. It’s just the Internet, babies. We’re all stars here.

But I think it’s pretty remarkable that in the beginning, I only had 3 readers (Jen, Ron, and Kevin), and now my life is full of friendships and opportunities that were made possible solely because of this site and the people who read it. It has turned a pessimist into an optimist, and an introvert into a notorious extrovert. It has honestly changed my life, and changed it for the better. And that’s not because of me. It’s because of you.

~~~*~~~

I started Shortcake during graduate school. At the time, I told everyone I was procrastinating while I wrote my thesis. But the truth is, I had gotten dumped by a boy who lived on the East Coast, and I wanted him to see how great I was doing without him and remember how witty and incredible I was. I wanted him to read this blog, miss me terribly, and beg me to take him back.

And it worked. In fact, it worked so well that after a week of talking, he was promising to move here. Make up for everything. Start a life with me. The works.

Obviously it was only temporary, and after we broke up again I had to give Shortcake another purpose. And more importantly, I had to give my life a different purpose because I honestly thought I was going to marry him. Move with him. Have some babies. The works.

“Now what?” I wondered (and wrote to all of you).

The truth is, I still don’t know. And so, I’m still writing. For a moment in time, I was on this clear path with a clear destination. Now I’m on this wild detour with no end in sight. But I love all the twists and turns, all the discoveries, and even the bumps in the road. Mostly, I’ve loved sharing all of it with you:

• My first blind date.
• My first gray hair.
• My first real job (and did I bust out a “That’s what he said” in 2005? Yes I did).
• Finally falling in love again.
• Inevitably getting my heart broken again (but breaking a few myself).
• Dancing in private.
• Dancing in public.
• Giving up on life.
• Remembering why life rocks.
• Crappy poetry.
• The Imagine Rule.
• The Reverse Thomas J.
• The one about Halloween (and the best comment thread ever; way to go gang).
• Getting compared to Carol Burnett by a very hilarious, very drunk man.
• The Secretary General of Cool (who just returned from a Malian village and was the first white man they’ve ever seen; it never stops).
• Having the official “Best Year Ever“.
• Finding Heaven in my hash browns.
• Being sleepless and prolific.
• Being sleepless and totally ridiculous.
• Someone predicting my death.
• Watching my friends basically save a life.
• Remembering past adventures.
• Enjoying new ones.
• Accidentally flirting with my ex’s half brother. (*takes a bow*)
• Discovering how it feels to actually grow up.

And so on, and so on, and so on…

~~~*~~~

I feel so comfortable spilling my guts because I know old friends (like Heather, Courtney, J, Pandy, Emily H., Steve and of course Jen, Ron and Kevin) are here cheering me on.

I keep writing because friends-of-friends end up reading this blog, and somehow it grows into real friendships that I value immensely (like with RØB, Janet, Courtney, Charles, Emily, Erin F., Erin T, Josh, Jaime, Sara, Allison, Rob and The Captain).

When talented people I respect and writers I admire (like Andy, Coire, Francis, Stee, Davy, Mort, John N., Ray, Frank and Erik) tell me that that they read this blog and like it, I totally freak out. And when I get a comment like this, I may or may not cry.

~~~*~~~

I have to give a special shout-out to Ben. He was the first stranger who ever wrote to me to tell me that he liked my blog. I was so fascinated and freaked out by this that I had to meet him. We ate frozen custard at Ted Drewes. Then one day, he sent me this:

That’s Beth Grant, the actress who said my favorite movie quote ever, saying it directly to me. That actually happened because I write about my dumb life on the Internet (and because Ben makes movies and totally rocks). That is INSANE.

~~~*~~~

Since I’ve linked to half of my archives, I might take a week off. So I want to congratulate Kevin and Monica now for GETTING MARRIED on Saturday!

ALSO: As much as I write on here, my favorite thing I’ve ever written isn’t on Shortcake. It’s the last sentence of this.

So… I think that’s enough, right? Is that enough to commemorate five years, five hundred entries and countless fantastic friends? Do you have enough hyperlinks to last a lifetime? Have I completely grossed you out and now you’re barfing? I hope so. And I love you. Thank you for listening.

You Know You’ve Been Watching Too Much Angel

You know you’ve been watching too much Angel when…

… you’re home alone for the weekend and you hear a strange noise outside your room… and your immediate reaction is to matter-of-factly shrug and reach for your bat like, “Oh, time for another fight.”

… you watch the new Yeah Yeah Yeah’s video and don’t even flinch at that guys face.* In fact, he’s pretty hot considering the context you’re normally dealing with.

… you change your favorite character when one is dealing with the same problems as you, like Cordy’s psychic headaches vs. your migraines. You feel her pain. It’s totally the same thing.

… you read this post on Perez, and instead of being psyched about a drunk, trainwreck-y fight that’s more awesome than sad, your first thought is, “Bitch, don’t you be messing with Dawn!”

… you’re at a chick friend’s house and someone knocks on the door. She looks out the peephole and says, “I don’t know this guy.” You reply, “Well, just make sure-” and then stop yourself… because you almost actually said, “Just make sure you don’t invite them in.”

I promise I haven’t written any fan-fiction, commented on Whedon forums, or done anything recently that could be considered Twilight-ish. So… we’re cool, right? Let’s just say if I get cornered in a dark alley any time soon, I’m pretty sure I could take him.

Two more things, below…

Karaoke at Rockin’ Gators was super sweet. I won’t go into details about why this is the best karaoke venue I’ve ever been to, but if you want to know RØB outlines the reasons here in amazing detail. My gator was delish. They were out of brains. Sad. We bought Rockin’ Gator merch. I wowed the crowd with “Heart of Gold”, “Tide is High”, “Black Hole Sun” and “Elegantly Wasted”. RØB rocked the room with the wireless mic (even wandering outside). Bill stopped by for a couple songs and made all the girls swoon.

The awesome, amazing dudes at Aww Hell Nah asked me to be a contributor. I’m so honored and psyched! There’s a button to AHN in the sidebar to the right. Erik or Clinton usually post something daily. I’ll post whenever I find something cool. I know absolutely nothing about other-newbie Brad, but again, pretty sure I could take him.

And Then There Was June

Seriously you guys, 5-Year Bloggiversary! What should I do? I was thinking “The Twelve Days of Shortcake” but I would’ve had to start it Sunday and I was feeling lazy. Also, believe it or not but I don’t think I have that much to say.

Oh yeah, so my MRI results came back and it was fine. Hooray! But I ran a bunch to celebrate and now my stress fracture hurts again. Boo!

My headaches are still there a bit along with other weirdness, but it’s slowly getting better. Sort of. I’m trying to not jinx it. I had a scare like this a few years ago and so I totally thought I was dying this time around. Instead, if the headaches come back I get to play “Prescription Pill Yahtzee” until we figure out what causes and/or fixes them.

~~~*~~~

Still single (and yes, I am as shocked as you. I mean, did you read the above paragraph? I am a catch). But really, there are too many awesome things going on in that department for me to be anything else. Being single is still the funnest.

Planning two, possibly three roadtrips. Heading both North and South. Going to see some people I have missed terribly. Going to see people who have been surprising me. Going to drive 8 hours at a time (or maybe 4 to meet them in the middle à la Redneck Rendezvous).

Kevin and Monica are getting married in less than 2 weeks. That makes me really happy. Won’t be going to the destination wedding, but going to the reception and it should be a ball. SPOILER ALERT I am making their present and I’m excited about that. Also selfishly, I’ve been working on my fitness and I’m giddy that I have an excuse to buy a new dress.

~~~*~~~

My parents got new carpet in 3 rooms, so I spent the weekend carrying over 30 years worth of crap from one room to another. Had the opportunity to scan some ancient family photos. Some are over 100 years old! One is my favorite picture of me:

It is exciting to watch the old house take shape, but every time they rip out the shag carpet and linoleum I loved, or paint over a wall that I scribbled on, or replace the counters I used to climb all over, a little part of me dies. I love how excited my parents are to move but I don’t want them to move at all.

Speaking of, Saturday was the last time I’ll see Janet and Peter for a while. It was a sad moment, made even sadder by the horrifically shitty band that was playing (the lead singer had finger cymbals. FINGER CYMBALS!! And then they played reggae nooooo). At least it was sandwiched by Mustardfish and Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship – they are both my kind of silly.

Even though Bill and RØB and Charles and all those dudes are awesome, I immediately felt awkward after Janet left, like she was the reason I felt like I fit in with that crowd. I’ll still Squid it, though. I’m finally taking RØB up on that ROCKIN’ GATORS invitation this Thursday so that should be tight.

~~~*~~~

I’ve been recycling/pitching/donating a lot of my belongings. It’s purging season for sure. I’ve also purged a lot of people from my life, and while I probably won’t write about most of it, I have to say it feels good. That’s just a necessary part of life, and with crap like Facebook and Myspace, you tend to forget about that step. Just because you can keep in touch with someone forever doesn’t mean that you should. From now on if I have a number saved in my phone, I want it to mean something, even if it’s an old friend I talk to once a year.

While it feels great to cut those people out, it still reminds me why I needed to in the first place and that sucks. I need my foot to get better soon so I can run and forget about it again.

Dog-sitting Charlie again this week, which obviously makes everything perfect.

Things are looking up. I’m determined to have a good summer this time around, no matter what.