Not All Sad, I Swear

Sorry I haven’t written in a while; there’s tons of stuff going on but it falls into the usual two categories:

1. Hanging with Justin. He gets more and more amazing every time I see him; it shouldn’t be possible but it is.

2. My dad is back in the hospital. He’s getting his other leg amputated tomorrow. Apparently when someone loses a leg, there’s a 50% chance that they’ll lose the other one within a year. Like most things in life, my family fell on the unlucky side.

So, one is incredible and so happy and worth sharing but I shouldn’t, and the other is sad and scary and awful and… I shouldn’t. Just know that the two are balancing me out – I couldn’t have had a more perfect person come into my life exactly when I needed him.

I’m far too busy to do anything else, and therefore I don’t have much to write about. I have ideas floating around, but I am mentally drained and emotionally preoccupied. But people be buggin’ me to write, and that thrills/humbles me to no end, so here I am updating with nothing to talk about except the two things I shouldn’t.


My dad’s disease (and let’s be clear – I always separate my dad from his disease because these things are absolutely not his fault) has touched every aspect of my life. Birthdays, graduations, sleep, meals, my jobs, my friendships, my car, the schools I attended, etc… these things are affected and occasionally ruined by that disease. It has complicated relationships. Certainly scared a few boys away.

So the second I learned about the first amputation – let alone the second one – I started hunting down a permanent therapist where I could vent and cry and worry out loud, as opposed to calling Justin and crying to him 24/7.My new shrink is cool, though I loved the temporary one a lot – I would see her when I was happy, just because I like hanging out with her.

This new one told me I have the highest emotional IQ of anyone she’s ever met. I told her it’s probably because I blog about my feelings all the time. Anyway, that was cool to hear. I’ve been so proud of how far I’ve come in terms of handling anxiety and this whole situation, I didn’t doubt her at all. It only took 28 years, but I’ve finally gotten the hang of me.

I AM completely shocked that I haven’t smoked through all this, though. It will be 5 months on Sunday. Justin’s one year quitting anniversary is the next day. I feel like if the sight of my dad with no legs makes me want to smoke, he’ll be great support, if only for that. He tells me that I can lean on him as much as I want, but I enjoy learning that I can handle so much stuff by myself.

I’ve been stress-eating like hell and have no time to run, so I’m borderline gross right now. Barely hanging in the cute territory. Clawing my way back. I’ll get there. City life is adorable but you get bombarded by food (both good and crap) and lose all the safe places to walk. It’s rough.

In the meantime, I’ve been climbing those all-too-familiar 6 flights of hospital stairs to see my pops. I also climb 4 long flights of loft stairs when I see Justin (and sometime sprint up the other 6 to the roof before I leave in the morning).

Oh also – I’m trying to plan a party, but I’m still debating if I want one group of friends (fun, but limiting) or a potpourri of different circles (super fun, but challenging). It’s hard inviting some friends and excluding the nice folks who usually come with them. I’m trying to achieve a nice mix without looking or feeling like a dick. I think I might start by just inviting people who have invited me to their parties. That seems fair, right? I’m so popular, wah wah wah…

Here are fun things that happened before life got crazy:

* We watched Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Rad in Amanda’s backyard. Justin revealed that his uncle was an extra in Rad; hilarious. I fell asleep in the grass.

* Before that, we stopped by Courtney’s party, which was literally across the back alley. Like a secret passage! So fun! (Though Nick swears we just went back there to make out – “Ghe-tto!”) Courtney had big rolls of paper on the walls and art supplies set up so you could draw. She is a lovely hostess.

* Justin got his hands on a studio viewer – possibly the coolest old technology I’ve ever seen. A mix between a slide projector and a View Master, the studio viewer allows you to view two slides at once, taken with a special camera, so that when you look through the viewfinder, you experience an incredible 3D effect. We spent the night looking at old family photos and I truly felt like I was at the beach or in the woods with these people from the 60’s. I can’t describe how eerily realistic it is, but i couldn’t put it down.

* Saw Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo for the first time. It was pretty great, though Midge’s fit halfway through convinced me that she was the killer. I went with Justin and Erik. We saw it at Crestwood Mall (Hitchcock movies every Tuesday!) and it was the first time those boys saw their favorite movie on the big screen. They geeked out and it was the cutest. Afterwards we hung out on Erik and Olivia’s porch. I adore Erik and Olivia.

* Justin and I went to Ari’s for our one month anniversary. Greek food! So yummy! Also, the most fun dinner date I’ve ever had in my life. I can’t gush about this dude enough, can I? It’s mostly because I can’t believe it myself.

* During dinner, Justin and I compared college notes because we were in the same class and have so many mutual friends… it’s pretty mind-boggling that we never met. Like, he used to live with Erik and Olivia, and Kevin, Ian and Kyle used to take me to parties with those two all the time. Somewhere in the midst of all this, we realized we were in the same Psychology class freshman year of college. That’s crazy!

Anyway, sorry for the break. I’ll try to write more (and run more, and live more, and laugh more…) and hopefully I won’t have to bum you out with surgery stories any more.


Filed under Sam I Am

4 responses to “Not All Sad, I Swear

  1. Courtney

    Hey lady, glad to hear things are going well with you and your boy. I admire your discrestion. In the ever so wise words of Bonnie Raitt: “Women be wise, keep your mouth shut, don’t advertise your man.” I’ll be keeping you and your dad in my thoughts tomorrow.

  2. Erin

    You can tell me about the surgery if you need to. I won’t even get grossed out. If your dad got liposuction, on the other hand, I would have to yak.

  3. Janternet

    omg monthaversary celebrations, love

    I’m thinking about you and your family. Must see you and Tolliver when I am in town, I’m thinking of organizing some open get together at Lemmons or Hideaway. Gah why can’t STL be smoke free, I am already dreading that.

  4. Janet, I can’t wait! While comparing notes, we also realized that we were already crushing on each other during you going away party.Just don’t pick Mangia; I wanted to barf when I smelled people who just left Mangia, and that was when I smoked!I say Hideaway selfishly just cuz I’ve never been.

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