Nothing But Sincerity As Far As The Eye Can See …

Y’All Gonna Make Me Act A Fool, Pumpkin Head Pumpkin Head

The other night, Justin and I carved a pumpkin. When I stood up after kneeling for so long, I yelled from the pain.

Later as we watched TV, I asked, “Will you still like me when I have creaky old people joints?”

“Of course I will!” he exclaimed.

Then in the sweetest, sing-songy whisper, he added, “It means you can’t run away from me.”

I lost my phone during a monsoon and this Pumpkin Head Dance is the only thing keeping me sane.

Most importantly, “Pumpkin Head” reminds me of “Puppet Head”… I was friends with Francis for about a year before I realized that he was Puppet Head Frank. Pretty much the best thing you can realize about a friend.

The Biggest Badass I Know

Enjoying the hell out of a Jimmy John’s that his best friend smuggled through the door.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Justin: “Hell yeah I’m ready for some football!”

Stephie: “Did someone say scientology scandal?!?!”

Tired, Broke, Sick, Busy, Fat

Okay so Charlie and I need everyone to just LAY OFF ME today.

He’s actually sitting on my shoulder in this picture. He used to insist on this every morning while I was at the computer. If I didn’t let him, he would try anyway and didn’t care if he fell off the couch in the process. Hey, why am I telling you a story? I’m cranky! Leave me alone!

(If I had to guess who looks better – me in that picture or me this morning – I’d pick Charlie.)

Meet DJ Arthur Mays MacMahon Richardson Fawcett Carradine DeLuise Hughes Cronkite Kennedy McCourt Schwayze Jackson

Justin and I went to the pumpkin patch today. I had wanted to name Jason’s dog the above title, but he said, “Go to hell. Meet Bacon.” Pumpkin tribute it is.

This morning I also went to Urgent Care for a 3-day tummy ache. It’s not a tumor or a case of the babies so I’m okay. In lots of pain, but I’ll live.

Last night I was moaning about how I never have time for myself, and today was full of insane plans like ANOTHER Dad surgery and Thrill The World, but now I have to stay home and read my vampire stories.

This would be awesome except I had planned to nurse my wounds with an amazing block of Collier’s Powerful Welsh Cheddar… but I just checked my prescription and it says I’m not allowed to eat dairy. D’OH!

Today I learned about Turban Gourds – aka Super Mario Pumpkins!

Ideas I’ve Been Having

1. Saying “Cheese and Crackers” when I get angry. This flew out of my mouth – for absolutely no reason I can fathom – one night during traffic. I laughed so hard, I forgot what I was mad at. Jesus probably appreciated it, too. So we’ll give it a shot.

2. Starting a photo series called “Real Teens, Real Talk” where my friends sit backwards on a chair and look into the camera all serious. I’m trying to think of hilarious captions for everyone regarding STDs and drugs and stuff.

3. Since 11-8 is me and Justin’s Opposite Anniversary (actual is 8-11), I’m gonna make an opposite mix-tape full of amazing songs about terrible relationship, like “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis and “Cecelia” by Simon and Garfunkel. As Veronica says, “Of course you are. Of course.” Don’t tell him!

4. 3 Cheers for the Weirs. New raffle prizes include 2 cases of beer and Blues tickets. Last night someone at The Royale recognized me as “that girl throwing a concert for her parents.” I don’t know which is better: that this is how I introduced myself to my new city, or that my new city introduced themselves to me by being so eager to help. Anyways, I think Graham got drunk with Beatle Bob and invited him? My life has gotten so weird.

5. My Halloween costume, which, UGH I do not have time to work on at all. Right now I’m thinking Juice Box or something related to idea #2. Anybody know where I could quickly find a Looney Tunes t-shirt in 2009, besides Six Flags?

Isn’t that picture the Björkest I have ever Björked?

Love

He gave me these for our one month anniversary, 5 weeks ago. One of these flowers is still alive and looks exactly like a vagina as pictured above.

Wink!

I had something in my eye all day yesterday and I finally went to the eye doctor and SHE FLIPPED MY EYELID INSIDE OUT WITHOUT WARNING ME AND MADE ME SIT THERE WITH AN INSIDE-OUT EYELID AND I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE and then it got better.

Bonus wink!

A Patron Saint of Life As I Know It

When I first started public school, I hated the bus. It was loud and crazy and everyone was an asshole – basically a nightmare for any shy kid – especially one who got bullied like me.

I did look forward to my bus stop for two reasons: Courtney and her little brother Mike. They were both so warm and hilarious. I had a faint memory of playing in her yard as a kid, so they felt familiar and safe. The bus was hell and school was hell, but it was nice having such pleasent bookends on my day.

In high school, Courtney hung out with the cool, freaky, alternative (back when that meant amazing) kids. They smoked and drank. The girls dressed so rad and all the guys were hot and MAN, I wanted to hang out with them!

She worked at McDonald’s with me. Ra and I agreed that she was the most fun to work with. Sometimes she would walk home from school with Rachel and I, and it made us feel like the shit. She showed us a shortcut through Tyler’s backyard, before I knew Tyler or dated his best friend. She told wild stories about her friends. She gave sage advice about love and heartbreak. We smoked lots of cigarettes. Those were great walks.

Any time I saw Courtney at school, she was with a girl with long, pretty red hair. I remembered her well because one time, she dyed her hair black and it was so cool to see someone with bright red roots.

Fast forward FOUR YEARS. I’m sitting in a conference room in Webster University. It was orientation for the semester in London. I was still shy, still scared, and full of questions. Suddenly, someone raised their hand.

“How are we going to find the school from the airport?” She asked. “Are their tour guides? Can I have a map? Are you just going to drop us there?”

“I like this chick already,” I thought, and I peered around the table. It was Courtney’s friend with the red hair! After orientation, I sprinted over to her.

“You went to Kirkwood! You know Courtney! I know Courtney! Wow!” I spazzed. I’m sure she was equally as terrified awed by me. We exchanged information and maybe-sorta’d that we’d keep in touch.

A couple of weeks later, I emailed her and asked if she wanted to stick together at the airport and find the school together. And we did. And then we ended up living down the hall from each other in the dorms. And that’s how Jen became one of my best friends in the world.

She would tell crazy stories about her friends, some of which I had already heard. She was still new and interesting like everyone else, but she knew all the places and people that I did. She was the perfect amount of home.

She introduced me to the Jersey boys and later, her now-husband and all of their friends. When I broke up with Brian, that group basically adopted me. Jen introduced me to my first roommate, 3 guys I dated, a huge chunk of my current friends, world records, camping trips, and 5 years of incredibly fun weekends.

And Courtney unwittingly introduced me to Jen. So in a way, Courtney is indirectly responsible for so many parts of my life, and I wouldn’t trade any of it (except maybe the guys I dated).

Oh! Also! About a year ago, I was stalking Courtney’s Myspace page looking for more cool kids I knew. I clicked on one girl’s picture. She had bright pretty red hair, too. She was at a wedding, standing next to the bride… who happened to be my best friend at work. “I was at that wedding!” I thought. “I like this chick already, too!” Then I started reading Erin’s blog. And the rest is history.

Last night a bunch of friends gathered at Friendly’s for Niki’s 30th, and to my surprise, Courtney was there – all the way from Seattle! We gushed about each other’s dates, laughed and dished with Jen and Erin, and it was the most fun I’ve had in a while.

Also, Erin , Courtney and I gushed about each other’s blogs. Hilarious!

So Courtney, now you know how great you are, in case you didn’t already know. Thanks for being so cool, having such great taste in people, and unknowingly changing my life for the better.

Stephstin? Justanie? Tollivweir?*

If you’re part of a couple, you know that a good picture of both of you can be a challenge. (Just ask my cousin, who has about 6,000 pictures of her and her boyfriend on Facebook.)

Usually one person looks great but the other looks completely jacked up. The pose is cute but someone is blinking, someone’s nose looks insane, someone has a sudden case of the double chins. Or, someone just hates their own half of the picture.

Justin and I have that problem, too. So I fixed it. Ladies and gentlemen, the best picture of us ever taken:

*Please don’t call us these.

Falling In Love

… with everything: my niece, my guy, my family, my friends… hell, even camping. I loved camping. Everything is awesome right now.

I wish I had waited until after 3 Cheers for the Weirs to start this daily blogging, but heck, maybe linking to it every day will be more effective. I’ll write about it next week. That and The Spot.

Also, you would never see me if I didn’t daily blog because I am too busy having a giggle contest with my niece 24/7. Everyone keeps remarking that she really likes me, and you wouldn’t believe how great that makes me feel. Last night I busted out my two chipmunk voices. She loved it. I’m gonna be good at this.

OH and here’s how you automatically become the best Auntie in the world – date a guy who has puppets.

Justin met my whole family and they LOVE him. Even my sister-in-law! I know! My brother thinks he’s way cool. I’m pretty sure this is the first boyfriend he’s ever met.

Justin comes with me to hang out with my dad sometimes, which means so much to us and is basically the coolest thing a boyfriend could do. Tuesday night they had “Pet Therapy” so all these giant dogs wandered in to play with my dad.

I always kiss my dad on his forehead. This time he said, “Don’t kiss me, Justin.”

And Justin said, “I’ll try to contain myself, sir.”

I think this fall is going to be the best fall.

The One Where I Melted

Today I met my niece Klarissa. I had the camera rolling nonstop while she met Mrs. “Grandma” Weir. At first I thought this face would be as cute as it got…

… but then she smiled at me for the very first time.

I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much until this exact moment:

Two Month Anniversary

He made me a Stephie Puppet:

And a Justin Puppet, wearing a boutonnierre like the one I made for him:

AND! A Charlie puppet!

We went camping and I have puppets! Best anniversary ever!

Next To My Bed

I have weird collections on every shelf but this one is my favorite. Those aren’t necessarily my two favorite books (all my Vonneguts are in my room, for example) but I like the art. That pencil in front of the Polaroid was carved out of a branch; TSGoC bought it for me while he was living in Thailand.

I bought the matchbox in Paris, maybe a week after I saw Amélie for the first time in London. It has Le déjeuner des canotiers by Renoir on the cover. It makes me wish I still smoked. You can see a smidge of a rubberband just above the pencil; Frank Warren from Post Secret gave it to me when he did that show with Davy. It’s one of the rubberbands that hold the bundles of secrets together when he gets them in the mail.

The Polaroid is from me and Justin’s first “date date”. We went to Ann Hubbard’s show at some gallery in a swanky loft downtown; there was a cardboard kissing booth. The framed picture is Frank, Ray, Steve, Jen and I on a bridge in Venice, from our 10 days in Italy. I remember grabbing a stranger and gathering everyone frantically. It’s on film so we had no idea how it would turn out, but I had this gut feeling that if we took a picture right then and there, it would be perfect. And it was.

Take Your Parents Out To Lunch

Do it while you still can.

This is probably less for my friends who have “young” functioning parents, and more for the ones whose parents can’t drive but can still walk to the car.

Or maybe it’s just for a younger version of me.

My dad is doing okay, but there a million things that I will never be able to do with him ever again, and so many times where I could have treated him to a father/daughter date and was too busy, too angsty, or just procrastinating and assuming I could do it later.

Today is the day that all hit me, seemingly out of nowhere, and I suddenly feel like the world’s biggest asshole.

Just helping to prevent the same for you.

Also, every time you hang out with your parents, ask them something that you don’t know but would like to. What is their favorite song? Who was their first kiss? Did they ever play pranks on people? I started doing this last year when I was afraid my dad wouldn’t live through that triple bypass. And I have to say, it makes hanging out with him so much fun, even when we are in stupid hospitals or depressing nursing homes.

So there you go. Lunch. Or a beer. And 20 questions. Dewit. You will thank yourself.

Heaven

People keep talking bout the fancy new Des Peres Schnucks. I have to admit, it’s swanky. There’s a full bistro, a dude playing piano sometimes, and the wood-paneled coolers have motion-detector lights that get brighter when you walk by them.

The two biggest things that people mention are the walk-in cave cooler for beer and the wine section – apparently Des Peres Schnucks has the largest selection of wine in the Midwest. There’s even a full-time Sommelier. We spotted a $192 bottle of wine! This is a grocery store! What on earth.

HOWEVER the part that I am most impressed with is the Cheese Room. It’s bigger than my bedroom and deservedly so:

The best part is the psychotically huge wheel and half wheel of Emmentaler Swiss. This is the closest I have come to taking up idolatry. I told Justin that I might come here sometimes just to tell this thing all my problems:

It’s Autumn In South City

The weather is so gorgeous, the architecture is so amazing, the people are so cool, the sites are so fun and new, and so many friends are so nearby! I play this during every drive and it fits:

This is the first fall that I haven’t missed London, and it’s honestly been so fun that I barely miss smoking.

Don’t forget – Benefit for my folks November 4th at Off Broadway! I’m thinking of calling it “3 Cheers for the Weirs”. Is that cute? Someone leave a comment and tell me if it’s lame. Amazing people have been donating raffle stuff, too, so I guess I’m having a raffle. Wheee!

As it gets closer I will probably be asking you guys for advice, volunteers for door/bouncer duty, ASSISTANT CUPCAKE CHEFS, etc.

I am CAMPING this weekend; hooray! I asked Justin for the weather and he said Saturday would be, “a low of 34 with a 100 percent chance of snuggles” or something. He’s too much.

I am bummed Erin is working. This is, of course, the one year anniversary of the time we both bitched about the same camping trip in our blogs and subsequently confessed that we were reading each other’s blogs. Then when I met her, she was reading my favorite book (Welcome to the Monkey House ) and made fun of my ex without batting an eye. Instant Friend For Life.

But to reiterate for Ron, I am very excited about The Spot this year, mm’kay?

Edited to add: R.I.P. Marley the Wonderdog. I loved your stubby little legs and ability to cover me in slobber like a Jackson Pollock painting.

(I’ve been teaching myself “Linus & Lucy” on the piano. That song is my life.)

… Is Stephanie!

If you were my friend from 1992 – 1999, chances are you publicly declared your crushes on my basement wall. I agree with Katy; Ezra and Dave were hot at the time. My neighborhood pal Peggy wrote “Peggy… Is Stephanie!!!” when we were little and the meaning has mystified me for decades.

I remember <3-ing Matt, then <3-ing Matt. He was technically my first kiss, but ended up kissing my b-fry Laurie AND her sister Chrissy in the same week. Honestly that kiss was so gross that we weren’t even mad; just relieved that we had friends who could share in the trauma. It was so full of spit. We called that kiss “The Temeris Tidal Wave”.

Ramp!

Y’all look what my boyfriend built for my Dad:

I helped hammer it! (Like 3 out of 20 nails, but still.) The last time I tried to hammer at The Spot, Ron fired me. But Justin gave me a bunch of tips and now I’m awesome. He rolled me up the ramp on a dolly a few times to test it out; it’s perfect.

After that, we went to the Assisted Living place so he could meet my parents. Walking by all those sick old people and seeing someone without legs is not an easy thing, but he handled it like a Man. They seem to really like each other. Yay!