The Face Punch That Won Me Over

Hey guys, remember when Rob Ruz was on Motormouth?

We were probably Myspace/AIM friends for two years at this point. The face punch was what convinced me that we needed to be friends in real life, too.

Although we IMed daily for a long time, we didn’t meet for two more years until the other Rob had that awesome BBQ where we all hula hooped. Courtney, Bobbi and I drunk dialed him abut 600 times til he came over, and it was like I had known him forever. Say what you will about Myspace, but I made about 50 amazing friendships out of it, and Rob was the first.

My Review Of The Renaissance Fair

I have never felt so flat (!!).

Moving On Up (And Out) (And On) (And Technically, Down)

Today is the first day of my vacation. I have been counting down to this week off for a long time. A very long time:

This is how adorable my boyfriend is – because it’s the summer and I have no DVR to catch up on, he surprised me with a Happy Vacation present: Daria on DVD! If I have to explain to you why this is awesome, then I don’t know what you’re doing here.

In addition to one countdown being over, I also ended another one unexpectedly. My roommate/landlord and I have been arguing a lot lately, my attic-attached room is now sweltering instead of freezing, and I still haven’t really adjusted to living with a couple (something I was basically tricked into).

During an argument today over fixing the AC, he angrily retorted, “Well, you’re under no contract, so you’re welcome to move if you’re not happy.” He said this three times. And then I thought, you know what? I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy here for a while. And I can move.

Justin still won’t be done with his film for 157 days or so (not that I’m counting or anything), so there’s no room for my bed or clothes until at least September. But I can move all my dishes, books, and my Grandpa’s rolltop desk – basically, all the things I wouldn’t want to move three times in one year.

I had been kicking around the idea of moving back in with my parents for a while to help my mom with my dad and all of the medical bills, as well as yardwork, renovating the house, cleaning out the basement, selling his replicas, etc.

I opted against this a few months ago (I just feel like I’m nicer to my mom when I live far away?) and have felt a little guilty about it ever since. But today, all signs told me it was the right thing to do. And I mean, I’m going to have to do most of those chores any way, and where would I find the time if I didn’t live there? Plus, if I sell/fix/weed/mow enough stuff, my mom is only going to charge half the rent I’m paying now. FACE.

Plus, I love projects! I love having stuff to do! After pulling words out of thin air all day, I get such a thrill from a tangible, physical project and that sense of accomplishment when I’m done. I’m ready to attack that yard and that basement instead of worrying about it. I’m ready to work out all my aggression and stress on lifting and pulling and scrubbing instead of eating and laying around. I want endorphins AND the clear mind that comes from a clear space.

I’ve been really sad about my parents moving someday; maybe cleaning out my basement and *gasp* throwing away my stuffed animals *sob* will help me find some closure and move on.

OH! And I don’t plan on hooking up the cable in the basement WHAAAT.

I don’t plan on packing or moving much during my week off; I earned the right to do nothing (besides watch Daria) and I’m going to use it. But I was already planning to throw away/recycle/donate tons of stuff this week… now, I’ll just be more discriminating about it.

So yeah, I’ve loved living with Jason but it’s one thing to share an apartment and another to live in his house. And I was kind of forced into living with an engaged couple; it’s a really strange dynamic and I don’t recommend it for anyone, no matter how great the couple. It’s always going to feel like people are ganging up on you, no matter what they’re doing.

May was supposed to be all about being more concerned with other people. And while most days are a failure (at least in that goal of avoiding saying “I” and “Me”), perhaps I can rectify it by making a serious commitment to help my parents as much as possible for the next four months. That way, May feels like at least somewhat of a success.

However: it may be considered selfish, because I hate summer and heat and humidity with a passion and I would love nothing more than to spend the entire season breathing freon, underground.

Hot Stuff Coming Through

WHOA DUDES I am at 450,000 hits which means I’ll hit half a million while it’s still hot and gross outside.

Speaking of hot and gross, I wish that the FBC had Winter Formals because while I love the idea of the FBC Prom and I am certain that at least 50 people I love will be at the FBC Prom, I have not gotten my resting heart rate to a point where I’m comfortable biking around and dancing while drunk in the summer tryin’ to be cute. Nuh-uh.

HOWEVER if you are attending said Bike Prom, Heather Lindsy wrote an awesome piece for FBC Prom newbies, and she went into so much detail that even I would be prepared if I went. Have a happy and safe birthday, HLD!

I’ve always known that my cousin Peat was one of the main FBC dudes, but until Graham’s party a few months ago, I didn’t know that my old pal Shaun (who I rode the bus with in middle school) was the founder! Bananas!

The new thing in my house is turning the AC to 85 degrees instead of turning it off and telling me it’s off so I can open my window because it’s 70 outside. 158 days.

The title comes from a Simpsons quote that Steve and I have said to each other about once a month for the past 8 1/2 years. Tomorrow’s his birthday. Happy birthday Steve!

~~~*~~~

Yesterday Justin called to ask if I had run into any storms on my way home.

“What? No! It’s sunny and hot and gross!”

“There are storms. Crazy ones. Please be careful.”

“UH, bullcrap. I’m at the top of 270 and I can see for miles.”

“Just wait til you turn onto 40,” he chuckled.

When I turned onto 40, I saw nonstop lightning up ahead – reaching all the way to the ground, a low dark cloud that looked like a tornado, and gradually increasing wind in the trees. Then the Emergency Broadcast System came on and started screaming at me about about hail. Then: I got to drive directly into it. Yay!

Then this happened in my neighborhood (shamelessly stolen from Christian). You can see the double rainbow in the corner. Amazing:

You Know I Get Fly

I’ve been psyching myself up for my vacation by digging out my old Beastie Boys CDs (and in one case, a very worn and loved cassette). Best decision I’ve made in a while.

3 days til my first week-long vacation since I visited London in 2004. Next countdown: 159 days at most left til I move.

I can’t tell you all the things this music puts me in the mood for, but I can tell you that (a) I won’t be doing most of it and (b) I can’t believe I made it through adolescence without any sort of criminal record.

Yay, Vincent

There are times when I have tons of things to write about … and times when I’m too exhausted to think because I stayed up all night boo-hooing at Lost and eating holiday-worthy amounts of locally-grown fruits and veggies and cows:

Say what you will about the Lost finale, but WHEW I’m glad we got one last “Chah-lee.” “Cleh.” out of it. I love me some Chahlee and Cleh.

I’ve watched Lost with Jen and Ron for the last 6 years and I’m going to miss it so much – not just the show, but seeing my Lost Club ever week. I love you, Lost Club! As I told Jen last night, “I’ll see you in a couple of years. In Heaven.”

So what did you guys think about the finale? (And please don’t tell me you hated how they were dead the whole time, because you’d be wrong.)

Lost Cats

Claire Cat is my favorite thing ever:

Spotted

The Worst Things You Can Do (In Front of Me)

In terms of pet peeves, my top three are as follows:

1. Bullying

As a poor kid, I was teased a lot (and subsequently, I ate my feelings and became the poor chubby kid and was teased for that). Before I transferred to public school, I always earned straight A’s, won blue ribbons in art fairs, was chosen for solos in piano recitals and school musicals, represented my class at spelling and math bees, had published poetry, etc.* After the bullying, I hid in the back of the room, terrified to draw attention to myself. It was the most damaging thing I’ve ever experienced, and it took about 15 years to completely heal from that year. These days, I finally feel like I’ve become that person I was supposed to be all along. In terms of friendship, rejection has become a completely foreign concept to me and I’m genuinely shocked if someone doesn’t like me. I wish I had always felt that way. I wish everyone could feel that way. When I see bullying, open mocking, or someone hurting another person intentionally, I always speak up. It’s nothing short of evil.

2. No Sense of Humor

By this, I don’t mean being funny so much as I mean appreciating something funny. This is why I stopped going to church (though with churches today, I’d leave for the homophobia) and, on the opposite spectrum, this is what I hated the most about my ultra-liberal arts school. There’s a difference between a stinkeye and a wisecrack. Between hating people who are different than you and immediately appreciating why the differences are awesome. Between your own religious or political code and things that are universally hysterical. Between surviving a shitty day and defeating a shitty day. Between spilled milk and the pratfall that it can lead to. Between people who “get” and “don’t get” Twitter.** I laugh about braille on drive-up ATMS even though my dad has actually used the braille on drive up ATMs, because I get it. The topic of actual cocaine stirs up personal rage and yet, I think jokes about cocaine, like pretending to snort something or throwing flour on your nose, are beyond hilarious. To quote George Saintsbury, “Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that humor excites in those who lack it.”

3. “Minnesota Nice”

This reaction (coined by Kevin Murphy and shared by Dave Holmes ) is the most unproductive, miserable behavior that I can think of – if someone is bothering you, speak up! Ask them to move, quiet down, stop whatever they’re doing, etc. Don’t point out their discretions after the fact, when it’s too late to stop the offending behavior. 99% of the time, people are not bothering you intentionally. And 99% of the time, people will empathize with your complaint and are glad to make an adjustment to make you happy. I had a roommate who did this to me and I was like a battered housewife, because I knew I was offending him/her somehow but he/she would wait a few weeks to yell at me about it, when the apology was “too late”… yet all I could do. I don’t see the logic in this at all. If you bring up beef with me that is more than a year old for no reason (and it’s the first I’ve ever heard about it), then I’m not going to feel bad about it.

When I see people who exhibit any of the above behaviors, I have to immediately distance myself from them. They make me anxious, miserable and angry, and while I’m not in control of the behavior that leads to those feelings, I’m in control of the environment and the people I choose to surround myself with. Positivity and negativity are contagious – just like sneezes, smiles and herpes – and I am determined to only catch the best.

I realized yesterday that it’s been exactly a year since I cut the worst offender – my former best friend of 22 years – out of my life. It wasn’t necessarily for the reasons above, but she made me miserable and did nothing but cut me down, and I recognized that the only solution was to distance myself. It was the hardest decision that I ever made, but I immediately replaced her with Erin, so it was also obviously the smartest. (Erin is probably the best example of how you can avoid the three behaviors above without being a saccharine, annoyingly-chirpy tool).

*I still sucked at sports.

**If you like laughing approximately 200 times a day, you should follow the people I follow. (Though it should be noted that the Dalai Lama, Sesame Street and Dame Elizabeth Taylor are followed for their wisdom.)

Survey

Who thinks my roommates should clean the sink?

Note: I cleaned the other half. Scrubbed the days-old dried grout out of it. And I keep it clean. Religiously.

All that white stuff is grout and doesn’t just rinse off. You can’t even see the moldy sponge that’s been in there for 6 weeks. (The blue one has only been in there for 3.)

When they painted the kitchen, there was dried paint in the sink for two months until Jason’s sister came over and was like, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I hate getting into dumb “standoffs” with roommates about things like cleaning or TP, but I cleaned one side. And I mean: give me a fucking break. He called me a bitch when I asked him to clean the paint.

I like a lot of things about living here, but I think that once my countdown to vacation is over (13 days), I’m going to start a countdown for the day I don’t have to look at this sink anymore (168 at most).

Party Down

I was on board with this show the second I saw the cast, but I don’t think I’ve ever told you that you have to watch it. So um, YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.

If you liked The State and Veronica Mars and Freaks and Geeks and Christopher Guest movies, then everyone you love is here. To steal a line from Janet, if TV shows were like Fantasy Football, then Party Down would be my fantasy cast.

It was a bummer when Jane Lynch left and I wasn’t sure about Megan Mullally but she’s beyond hysterical. Justin and I watched 3 episodes today (over chocolate chip pancakes, haay!) and we tee-heed at almost all of her lines.

Even the weaker episodes are great because I like the cast so much – I described it to Jen as one of those nights where you just lay around with all your friends and watch TV and it’s not that exciting or eventful but you don’t care because it’s all your favorite pals.

Insanity: Week One

I lost four pounds! And my muscles barely even hurt! That’s nuts. I ended up doing two workouts today (there’s a Cardio Abs set that you can tack onto the end) because I’m bored. My skin broke out exploded halfway through, but I almost have it under control again. Unless I pig out tonight, I’ll hit a weight tomorrow that I’ve been trying to get back to since November. Katie rocks for recommending this.

Justin got a job with Frontyard Features! So awesome! I think we’re going to Severson’s birthday party tomorrow at a secret prohibition-era underground bowling alley.

You know what’s silly? Taking yourself too seriously! *fart*

My dad is doing much better, still at the hospital for a while. He’s in a new remodeled room and wing; I know this because we were in the same wing at least twice last year. I don’t really mind when he’s there these days because (a) I’m used to it and (b) my mom can catch a break. Also, the food is pretty good; I’ve actually gone there after my dad went home because I was craving something from the cafeteria.

Does anyone know what flower this is? Shockingly, it’s hard to describe a flower to Google:

Bulletproof

My dad went back into the emergency room this morning. His blood sugar was super low and he wasn’t responding to my mom or the paramedics. He’s sorta stable but they’re doing CAT scans now.

It’s creepy how desensitized I am to this stuff. I didn’t even flinch when my mom told me. In fact, I stayed at work because she didn’t want me to use vacation time that I haven’t even earned yet to “just sit” with her. She’s pretty calm about it, too.

In fact, the only person less phased about this situation than us is my dad, and that’s because he’s currently unconcious.

If my dad and mom had a baby (besides me, I mean) (and my brother), it would be this guy (via edp):

I will be forever grateful that grew up surrounded by this brand of selflessness AND humor.

Newlyweds

On Saturday, Nick and Jessica got married. No, not that Nick and Jessica. Our Jessica is super smart, and our Nick has a monumentally impressive taste in music. They also booked the best reception hall I’ve ever seen – the Botanical Gardens! It was a really great time and for once, I had a hot date! Some highlights:

• Stephie mixes up the church on WoodBINE with the one on WoodLAWN. With 5 minutes to make the correction. Oops.
• Get to church the exact second the wedding starts. Forced to sit in back with reggae band (kidding, I like those guys).
• Guestbook Jen mouths to us, “I signed you in.” *Wink* *Thumbs up*
• Ron rocks fierce Desmond Hair as Best Man.
• Stephie gets to tell her favorite filthy joke involving bubbles for the 5th wedding in a row.
• Arizona Erin!
• Stephie guards wedding party table and abuses open bar til friends arrive.
• Ron gets lots of laughs with his Best Man Speech.
• Stephie requests a glass for her beer in an attempt to be classy. Everyone taunts Stephie about her gigantic glass. Classy Fail.
• 8 year-old girl hits on Joe: “Hiiii. Hiiiii. These are my dancing shews. Hiiiii.”
• “Katie, who’s that girl talking to your man?”
• Mesquite-flavored shrimp makes Stephie and Justin crave cigarettes.
• Everyone lines up for the Dollar Dance, expecting a slow song. “You Sexy Thing” blares through the speakers. Everyone makes a Sam Weir face:

• Justin possibly does The Elaine while dancing with the bride.
• Best Man Ron taunts Maid of Honor with a fan of dollars.
• 8 year-old requests “Party in the USA”.
• Tony sings and dances to Party in the USA with sheer unironic abandon.
• Said Tony later, “When you hear her laugh you know the song is over, and that’s when I feel the sadness coming back.”
• DJ complements Nick for his fantastic musical selections.
• Friends and I wander around the Botanical Gardens in the dark! Spooky!
• Top Secret Cool Kids Meetup in a Top Secret Garden. All couples forced to be photographed in the “Fertility Chair”.
• Megan keeps diligent lookout for cake.
• All the single men beg engaged Dustin to “take one for the team” and catch the garter.
• Hot couple Jen and Dino catch the bouquet AND the garter.
• Justin boasts that he could have easily caught the garter, but didn’t think it would be fair to people with shorter arms.
• Justin and I have our first dance to the most bomb-ass love song of all time, “Everything I Do” by Bryan Adams.
• 8 year-old gives my boyfriend goo goo eyes during slow dance.
• “Steph. What do I do? Why is she doing that? Make her cut it out!”
• Toddler stands by sliding doors for 20 minutes, baffled and offended that the doors open for everyone but him.
• Tony almost barfs through his nose when he tries to make the “whoa whoa” sound in “Living on a Prayer”.
• Dustin serenades Niki with “The Humpty Dance.” Using his pelvis.

I’ve noticed that the less I smoke and drink (and the less my friends smoke and drink)(and the less I’m single)(and the less Heebner is there), the less scandalous these wedding rundowns will be. However, it was equally as fun.

Once upon a time, Nick and I logged many hours at Winifred talking about heartbreak and wondering if we’d ever find the right people, or at least someone who would treat us right. So it was really great to watch him marry someone as awesome as Jessica and see him end up so happy. Congratulations!

I Love Twitter Games

You All Everybody

If you’re a Lost fan, you know that “You All Everybody” is the hit single from Chah-lie’s one-hit-wonder band, Driveshaft.

What you might not know is that the lyrics to the song are this:

“You all everybody/ actin like them stupid people/ wearing them expensive clothes,”

… which is something an audience member on The Phil Donahue Show once yelled to the people on stage. Someone on the staff caught this and found it so hilarious that it became this big inside joke in the writer’s room and they finally wrote it into the show.

Also, there was one writer who thought the name “Lapidus” was so funny that he begged for years to name a character “Lapidus” and finally they let him name Frank the pilot “Frank Lapidus.” The best question ever on the Lost podcast was when someone actually called them out on this, because “Lapidus” is such a hilarious name.

God bless Frank Lapidus, that Magnificent Bastard(™ Omar).

There’s No Food In Your Food

“I have glimpsed our future. And all I can say is: go back.”
“HA!”

– Diane and James Court, Say Anything

Adulthood is hiring a sitter for your dad as a Mother’s Day Present. And then eating dip for dinner just because you can!

Stripper Name: Ilene Sadly

Justin is very sympathetic of his girlfriend’s painful foot injury: