Things I Am Afraid Will Happen On My Wedding Day

  • Conversations about politics.
  • Someone freaks out about my “something blue“.
  • My fake tooth falls out.
  • My dress rips.
  • My Grandma dies.
  • Grandma calls me fat.
  • Grandma calls one of my friends fat.
  • Grandma sees Erin and Rachael’s tattoos, then dies.
  • Our family members’ reaction to Rob. Any reaction. This will be weird.
  • My parents’ friends try to “save” my friends who are gay.
  • I cry my fake eyelashes off in front of everyone.
  • I spend my whole wedding like I always spend weddings: drunk on the smoking patio.
  • Grandma will ask my bosses to give me a raise.
  • I pull a, “Take thee, Rachel” even though I’m not in love with someone else.
  • I develop gall bladder stones and have to get my gall bladder removed.
  • I develop kidney stones and have to pee them out on my wedding day.
  • I develop Tourettes at the alter. Like, all of a sudden.
  • Tony, Peter or Teets ends up hitting on my boss.
  • My sister-in-law says something that puts one of my friends in therapy for years.
  • My cousin’s husband calls everything “gay”.
  • Frank and Erik do a scathing review of my wedding on their podcast. “Two tall, handsome thumbs DOWN.”
  • The wedding venue is bombed by North Korea.
  • Tony sees my friends and starts telling incredibly dated “hipster jokes”.
  • Ty farts just as we are all walking down the aisle.
  • Someone gets in a car accident.
  • Someone has a seizure.
  • Someone has a heart attack.
  • Liz’s speech is embarrassing. (I am not worried about Jen’s speech.)
  • Justin’s family somehow ends up in East St. Louis.
  • My mothers-in-law catch me having a cigarette.
  • My hair. Just, you know, in general.
  • The DJ makes an error and I have to walk down the aisle to “Fergalicious.”
  • My bosses talk to someone who once made a gravity bong on my porch.
  • Someone offers to pray for the bride and groom and ends up speaking in tongues.
  • Adam throws in a final “big boobs” joke before I am wed, ending a 20-year tradition.
  • I get pregnant before the big day (even though I am clearly still a virgin).
  • Someone insults the Indiana Hoosiers; a tall, polite riot ensues.


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2 responses to “Things I Am Afraid Will Happen On My Wedding Day

  1. 1. I am not afraid of your grandmother.
    2. Even though very small people do tend to freak me out a little bit because I cannot stop them from diving at my knees.
    3. I am a giant and will block anyone’s view of you smoking on the patio.
    4. “Tall Polite Riot” = #HBN2013!

  2. I already know some of those family members! They (and more than likely, those that I don’t know) are gonna have A REACTION OF SOME KIND, as is human nature to the various stimuli we face! Even/especially to doofusy dudes in (SPOILER ALERT) top hats playing (SPOILER ALERT) purple accordions in (SPOILER ALERT) “raspberry rose”/tribal pattern shoes. So I guess, in a way, this fear is founded. By way of reassurance I would assert: nothing can possibly make this NOT the greatest wedding of all time, and where I’m specifically concerned, to quite the contrary: it couldn’t be so without me. Wocka Wocka! 1) It’s only weird if ya make it weird for yerself, and 2) weird is only bad if ya make it bad for yerself! I am very honored and flattered and fortunate and excited about being a part of this weekend. I am weird. We are all a little weird here. It is going to be a can’t-forgetter. Everyone involved in any way whatsoever is very lucky to be so, whether they know it or not. And most or all of them do. Gosh I hope this note helped more than it hindered. I’m dumb! But I love you!

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