Category Archives: Ew Politics Ew

“She’s Not That Chick Who’s Singing, Is She?”

I know I was going to work on Faith later in the year, but on a whim I decided to attend church this Sunday.

It’s called The Gathering, which sounds a little creepy and culty, but that’s sort of the trend with any younger, larger church these days. Also, I grew up in a church where people speak in Tongues and fall over and read Left Behind, so nothing can really faze me these days, outside of blatant bigotry and political stuff that makes me nauseous.

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Filed under Ew Politics Ew, F This 2012

Who Your Name Is

So last night was the concert with Chuck Berry and, as rumored, Nelly. It was pretty great. It was in Kiener Plaza so the crowd was tiny, and there was no beer so everyone was freakishly well-behaved. Apparently, going to the show means I’m now a volunteer for the Democratic National Convention? I didn’t find that out until this morning. That’s cool.

They didn’t point out the DNC selection committee but I’m pretty sure I spotted some of them. There were these three couples who were so good-looking and perfectly polished that Justin remarked, “They’re clearly not from around here.” The girls’ shoes gave it away. The guys were all the same height, same build, and had their sleeves rolled up to the exact same length, like they mastered this look together in a class at Yale. I wanted to whisper to Justin, “They look like that cafeteria table full of vampires in Twilight,” but Justin is a pop culture vacuum and sometimes I get baited into explaining totally stupid things like they’re important.

Thanks to Joe, I know we were on the news. J’s in red, I’m in black:

I would show you the clip but I’m chomping my gum in it like a psychopath. Also, try to imagine all those older people around us singing “Hot in Herre”, because that happened.

I didn’t cry but there were a few parts where I really missed my dad:

1. “Maybelline”

2. Mike Shannon. He’s the voice of the Cardinals and therefore, he was my dad’s eyes when watching baseball. Unexpected.

3. Nelly’s latest song. It’s about a breakup, but the bridge goes, “If you ever loved somebody put your hands up/ And now they’re gone and you wish you could give them everything.” If he sang that line one more time, I would’ve burst into tears.

My favorite moments:

1. Mayor Slay loses Mike Shannon

2. Chuck’s daughter wailing on the harmonica like a boss

3. No set list – Chuck just kept saying, “You call ’em, we’ll play ’em.”

4. Chuck forgets part of a song and blasts random chords, grinning

5. So the world’s greatest rock and roll legend is playing onstage and half the audience becomes enthralled with bouncing around a beach ball

6. A teeny tiny adorable hunched-over old lady hobbled onstage to dance with Chuck Berry

7. Awesomely inappropriate sing-a-longs to “Ding-A-Ling” and “Country Grammar”.

8. “St. Louis, y’all. You may not like us but you will respect us.”

9. Running into RØB, Coolhand, Switchblade and Jason’s mom.


If the Democratic National Convention comes to St. Louis, Justin and I decided to rent out our loft and parking spot for like $1,000 and crash at my mom’s.

Did you guys know it’s been 10 years since “Country Grammar” came out? And did you know that 50 years ago, my mom worked in a shoe factory next door to where I’ll be living downtown? And my new next-door neighbor makes the world’s best milkshakes at the Washington Avenue Post? Fun facts. I’m so sleepy today!

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Filed under Adventures, Almost Famous, Ew Politics Ew

Happy (Almost) Election Day!

I might be stuck in line all day tomorrow (GOOOOOOO swing states!) or glued to the TV all night like last time. So I’m trying to get everything done today.

To celebrate Election Day, I thought I’d post a cute song and dance from Josh and Mort.

WARNING: Josh sings the F word about 10 times, which somehow makes it more adorable:

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Filed under Ew Politics Ew

Damn, I Love My City

When I was little, I’d look at a map of the USA and feel so lucky to live in a city marked by a big dot. And every year, I keep finding more and more reasons to feel proud.

Oh, Obama. Will you be my President?

Also: St. Louis rocks because we grew up watching Schweig Engel commercials. (I cannot thank Janternet’s readers enough for bringing those memories back. Holy crap.)

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Filed under Ew Politics Ew

Wake Me Up Before You Go GOP

Oh, St. Louis. What would we do, ba-by? Without us? Sha-la-la-laaaa…

This morning (or, yesterday) I told my dad that since we’re canceling each other out, we should just skip voting and get pancakes. However, he had already cast an absentee vote, so I had to go do my thing.

If you know me, then you know I hate politics and I hate taking sides. If you’re shit talking, I’ll take the opposite side as you simply because I hate bullies. Hell, my “Coexist” bumper sticker is the biggest political statement I’ve ever made in my life, and that’s about as general and all encompassing as you can get.

But it’s 1 in the morning and I’m still watching the election. Me. The election. I know. The last time I stayed up this late for an election was when I had a crush on Chris Kline.

I took my sleeping pill about an hour ago, but I’m still wide awake with a beer and a breakfast Hot Pocket, screaming at the TV every time they announce the updated results. I’m like a drunk frat boy during the World Series. And it’s the midterms. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Don’t worry, I haven’t completely lost myself in the midst of this… they keep cutting to commentary with former Senator Betty Simms, and I squeal like a little girl every time she’s on. She said that she supports the Stem Cell Initiative even though she’s Republican… because she has triplet grandbabies. TRIPLET GRANDBABIES!! EEEE!!! I heart Betty Simms.

Jim Talent has been winning all day and the Stem Cell Initiative has been losing… this is because all the rural votes came in and were counted immediately. It was practically 50/50 (like 53/47) all day… I’m shocked at how close it was in the rural areas.

Actually, I’m not… my state was basically cut in half during the Civil War, for crying out loud. That kind of sums up everything.

But now the votes from St. Louis and Kansas City are coming in, and with every batch comes a new lead for Team Michael J. Fox.

God, I wish Michael J. Fox could do a split-screen debate with the most beloved Republican of all time, Alex P. Keaton. How sweet would that have been? Can somebody go wake up James Lipton? He could make that happen.

Right at midnight, Claire McCaskill went from losing by 3 points to a 14,000 vote lead in the span of like two minutes. That’s when I decided I was in it for the long haul. Right now it looks like everything I voted for is going to win. I like Claire, even if she does murder old people*.

Now I know what it feels like for a sports fan. It’s kind of bugging me out, to be honest. I’d much rather go back to disagreeing with everyone and therefore not caring. But all of these issues are split by less than 10,000 votes. I get more hits than that on Myspace. This election blows my mind.

So now it’s like 2am and Claire McCaskill is giving a victory speech. I really want to stay awake for the Stem Cells but I don’t think I can make it.

Hey, do you think if we referred to embryos as “An Army of One”, more rednecks would have voted for this thing? We’ve killed thousands of soldiers in the war, and those are human beings with functioning brains and millions of friends and family. Why can’t I draft some of my eggs to “fight the good fight” and cure everybody of everything? Like they know what’s going on anyways.

*Paid for by the Republican National Committee.


Filed under Ew Politics Ew

What’s Black and White and Red all over?

I’m sure you guys know this by now, but when it comes to discussing politics and religion and office gossip and whatever, I’m annoying as hell because I WILL STICK UP FOR EVERYBODY. If you’re ripping on somebody, I’ll disagree with you even if I agree with you.

I’ll speak out against homophobia when I’m around boys with Bibles, but I’ll stick up for most religions around my boys with boyfriends. I’ll yell at pro-lifers who want to control my uterus, but I’ll point out that religious pro-lifers are kind of the reason I’m alive. Hell, if you’re pissed at LouAnn in accounting for snapping at you, I’ll point out that she’s probably just stressed about the Whatever Account, and I’ll stick up for you later when she bitches about it to me.

I know it’s a pain in the ass, which is one reason why I try to avoid politics like the plague. I just like rooting for the underdog, and I like to see both sides of every situation. And even though I grew up in a *gasp* religious home in the *scream* Midwest, that’s something I’ve always been taught to do (And how many opinions of me did you just form when you read “religious” and “Midwest”, anyway? Being midwestern and even semi-religious is like being an American in Europe).

Sure, there are black and white areas in life, but for the most part everything is relative. Progress and understanding are amplified by the gray areas, and you can’t have the gray areas without both the black and the white.

Cow spots lead to cow pies, just like closed minds lead to bullshit.

And as I’ve said before, while you have every right to say that apples are red, don’t forget that not all apples are red, and not everything that’s red is an apple.

The gaps in this world are wide enough, and I don’t want to contribute to pushing them even further apart. The world won’t get better until we build bridges, and you can’t do that without reminding people that there’s another side. And bridges are essential because, while you don’t have to go there, people won’t be able to come to you without one.


Filed under Ew Politics Ew

Champs and Chumps II: The Fellowship of the Chumps

A few of my friends asked for more, so here we go:

CHAMPS cards

The man who recently sang “Foxy Lady” to me, Garth-style: Because you’re the cutest and I love you.

TSGoC: For a fantastic weekend, and for always being so honest and sincere. And you get an extra one for being the most fascinating person I’ve ever met.

My Family: Because they love to debate through e-mails (if they were younger I’d create a message board for them) and the most recent political debate pissed me off and I called them all crazy. I’ll tell you what I wrote verbatim in the CHUMPS section. I thought I would get about 50 loving “screw you” e-mails today, but instead I got a “right on” or a “solid” from all of them, including my dad. So yay family! Maybe I can rap about the government with you guys after all.

Fruit Salad: Sometimes when people are pissed off, they get violent. Sometimes when people are upset, they eat. I’ve discovered a way to stay healthy and merrily stabstabstab my problems away. Huzzah!

Veronica Mars: For being so totallyfreakingawesomeOMG. I heard that they’re killing off a character tonight and after the Harry Potter Incident, I’m scared. But as long as it isn’t Weevil or Logan, I’ll be okay.

My Roomate: For being the strongest, hardest working person that I know, for making the apartment Christmas-y, and for making it to level 5 in Super Mario Bros. 2 last night.

Identifying Fallacies: Because it’s fun pointing out when people are wrong and being able to logically prove it. Note to the frat boys: don’t let me argue with Peter when we’re drunk.

Christina: For finally getting a two-button mouse for my computer at work. Suck it, Control key!

Jeremy: Because when I got serenaded the other day, it reminded me of that time in 8th grade that you sang “Cryin’” to Erin during lunch and everybody knew that you were going to do it so when you walked over to her, the entire cafeteria bum-rushed the table. You sang it anyway and Erin shot you down, but it was okay because you held your head high and all the other girls loved you for it. 20th Century Aerosmith rocks, dude, and everybody knows it. And also, you get a CHAMPS card for having serious moxie and bigger balls pre-puberty than most men will have in a lifetime.

The Bee Season: Because I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN. Writers that I respect have told me that they cried when they finished this book, because they missed the characters and their world so much. Honestly, how can you ignore a recommendation like that?

CHUMPS cards

Erin: Because damn, girl. You couldn’t go to the roller rink with him ONE TIME?

Republicans: For voting for religious candidates because you feel like you “have to” or because pro-life is just 1 of 100 points on their agenda. Voting for the best overall candidate will not make you a bad Christian, I promise. And if we’re going to have a billion extra babies running around that you refuse to abort, can’t you let more people adopt, regardless of their sexual preference or marital status? And most of my friends are not looking to get married right now, but in case they do, I’d like for ALL of them to have the option, capisce?

Democrats: Because you’re like the mean girls in the junior high cafeteria. Say what you want about Fox News and I’ll probably agree, but they’re really just treading water in a sea of 500 liberally-biased channels that have no qualms ripping on anyone who remotely leans towards the right, regardless of what they’ve said, done, or believe in. And guess what? Not EVERYONE in the blue states voted for your guy and your states were just as close of a call as the rest, so can you stop using “Red State” as a euphemism for ignorance?

Both Sides: Because you’re all whiners that spend too much time pointing fingers as opposed to fighting for the greater good. Wouldn’t it be better to eliminate the source of problems rather than bitching about the possible solutions? I’d much rather work towards providing free accessible birth control and sex-ed classes with permission slips (so both sides can shut up about how to teach their kids) instead of just plastering pro-life/pro-choice bumper stickers all over my car.

The Mall: Because I drove by you today and I’m still pissed off. Eff you for existing.

Lost: For going on a 6 week hiatus, causing extreme pain and withdrawal for myself, my friends, and the 8 million other people that you have successfully hooked. Your show is like crack, and to take it away for that long is just plain cruel. Also (and this concerns every episode to date) WTF.

Static Electricity: I don’t know what the hell is up with my apartment. I have never been shocked this much in my life. When I’m curled up in a blanket on the couch, I can literally HEAR myself charging. I swear to god, I’m going to start a fire one day. I have honestly seen sparks shooting out of my fingers like I’m Jubilee from X-Men. Human hands were not created to scintillate. It hurts, yo, and I have a TOUCH LAMP so this is going to be a long, painful winter.

Motion-Activated Paper Towel Dispensers: They have these at my work and they’ve spoiled me to the point where sometimes, if I am in a public restroom (at a bar) and I am preoccupied (drunk), I’ll find myself tapping my toes expectantly in front of the paper towels with Jazz Hands until I get busted.

People Watchers: Don’t get me wrong, I love people watching, especially when I’m in another country or basically anywhere with an interesting tableau of people. And I know that people watching at the airport is a total cliché, so everyone assumes that it’s acceptable. But I don’t like it when people are shamelessly staring at me, especially everybody, especially at terminals like in Detroit and Charlotte where everybody basically sits in a massive semi-circle and the shops are miles away and there are no TVs and nothing to do but stare at me like that parking lot scene in “The Faculty”.

So what if I’m reading about Nick and Jessica in US Weekly? Maybe I finished my two books on my original flight, and maybe I bought three more in Michigan and I finished two of THOSE on the way here and I can’t really run around O’Hare with any more shit, because O’Hare looooves to make me sprint from Terminal A to Terminal Z at any given time. Yes, I am wearing a tank top in December. Yes, I probably need to brush my hair. Yes, I am reading about Gyllenheath’s cowboy movie and eating Combos. Why is that so interesting? Are you jealous? I know my Combos look hella good, that’s because they are so get your own. What the fucSTOP LOOKING AT ME.

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Filed under Champs and Chumps, Ew Politics Ew

Why I’d Rather Drink Myself To Sleep

So last night was the first time in over 6 months that I’ve attempted to fall asleep completely on my own. No sleeping pills, cold medicine, antihistamines, or booze.

Eh. It went okay, I guess. It took a couple hours. Insomnia sucks.

I thought a lot about a drunk argument I had a couple of nights ago. It was kind of about “Jesus movies”, and whether or not Constantine has anything to do with upcoming film version of The Da Vinci Code. I don’t think that they do… one is completely about the supernatural and one is about history, facts, and conspiracies. It was a stupid conversation. But that’s besides the point.

For the record, I vote for whoever’s in the middle because they do the least amount of shit-talking. I don’t go to church because I haven’t found a new one that fits. For 90% of the issues, I don’t really have a “side” because I can kind of relate to where they both are coming from.

But I am so F-ing sick of people ripping on the Red States, Christianity, and The Passion of the Christ, simply for the sake of talking shit.

I was raised in an uber-Conservative house, I grew up attending a “holy-roller” church, and I have a brother in the military.

I went to an extremely liberal college, I have an eclectic group of friends, I’ve done my share of experimenting in whatever and I try to not be a douche-bag when I’m talking about people or beliefs that are different than mine.

But calling a Conservative Christian an asshole simply because they are a Conservative Christian is such a fallacy.

Yeah, an apple can be red. But not all apples are red. Not everything that’s red is an apple.

Conservative Christians can be hypocritical, closed-minded, and judgmental. But not all Conservative Christians are hypocritical, closed-minded, and judgmental.

Not all hypocritical, closed-minded, and judgmental people are Conservative Christians.

The fact that I live in a red state doesn’t say shit about me or what I believe. The fact that I don’t agree with the majority doesn’t matter. That’s still my home. Don’t talk shit about where I live. I am so fucking sick of people using the Midwest as the prime example of ignorance. I know the world revolves around New York and L.A., but don’t blame me when you didn’t even take the time to drive your Vote-Or-Die bus down here, P.Diddy.

Yeah, Republicans and religious people can suck sometimes. The war sucks, and the military has had to say and do some shitty things. But that’s still my family. Don’t talk shit about my family.

I know there are pro-lifers who stand outside Planned Parenthood and say shitty things. But you know what? When I was about 8 or 9, I took part in a pro-life demonstration, even though I hadn’t really made up my mind about the issue. I was well aware that as an adopted kid, I could have been aborted myself.  I stood on the side of the road and held a sign that said “Jesus loves babies” or something like that, and I was okay with that because I suppose it’s true, Jesus does love babies.

Some people who drove by us waved and honked and smiled.

Other people gave us the finger and yelled.

One lady looked me right in the eye and spit on me.

I don’t want to be on the same “side” as a person who calls a scared, pregnant girl a whore and a baby killer.

But I don’t want to want to be on the same “side” as someone who spits on an 8-year-old girl who doesn’t understand why.

Taking sides leads to trouble, name-calling, and spit. I wish we could all get together and just work it out, and take some time to just think about the other side, where they’re coming from, and what they really want. Chances are, deep down, they have good intentions and they want the same things that you do.

I’m not sticking up for everybody. I’m not agreeing with anybody.

But not everything that’s red is an apple. Know who you’re talking about, and know who you’re talking to.

In other news, Jamie Foxx made me call my Grandma.


Filed under Botheration, Ew Politics Ew, Sleep Disorderly Conduct