Where Have I Been?

I’m doing well on all of my New Year’s Resolutions, surprisingly, except for one: writing here once a week. Additionally, a few friends have recently asked me why I don’t write here as often. I used to be obsessed with this blog and it led to a lot of amazing things in my life, so I gave this question a lot of thought and here’s what I’ve come up with.

(I want to be clear that this isn’t a criticism of anyone else who still writes all the time. These are just my own experiences and feelings. If I read your blog, it means you’re doing something right (or I’m hate-reading you, in which case PLEASE CONTINUE). Again, my own reasons.)

It’s Been (Almost) 10 Years

After a decade of shameless oversharing, you tend to cover everything. Favorite travels? Bad break-ups? Ambien Adventures? Check, check and check. If there’s a great story to be told, I’ve told it–probably more than once. I could think of something new to share with you every day, but that’s for micro-blogging. The guts, they have been spilled.

Happiness is Boring

By boring, I don’t mean bad at all. I love my life right now. I’m lucky as hell. But I’m not going on dates. I’m not breaking up with people. I’m not stirring up shit. I don’t hate my job. I don’t have a hit tracker anymore, but I’m willing to bet that any stalkers or ex-boyfriends that used to read this are long gone. My friends and I play with babies more than we party. I’m not going to bars that often–and when I do, it’s with old friends and consists of nothing but inside jokes.

Aside from my constant workout goals and/or weight struggles (which no one cares about), I’m simply content. I’ve hate-read enough Christian mommy blogs to know that reading about someone’s happiness and gratitude is at best boring and at worst insufferable and annoying. But on the same note…

Negativity is Contagious

Things bother me. People piss me off. Life is unfair. Check out this idiot. I could write about this stuff all day, every day, but all that does is pass the negativity on to you. Some people can write this stuff and be funny, and some people can read that stuff and not be affected, but I don’t want to contribute to it unless I feel my complaint is worthwhile. (Example: I’ve been contemplating writing about the crazy religion I was raised in and how it’s gotten even crazier, which is much more valid than writing about how I got cut off in traffic.)

I recently held someone’s hand while they died and watched them use all of their strength for each breath–literally holding on for dear life–and it made me realize how important those breaths are. Every second of my life matters. Every second of your life matters, too, including the ones you spend interacting with me. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to use them wisely. Focusing on negativity and spreading negativity is a waste of life, at least to me.

I Am Wrong About Everything 

If there’s one thing Facebook and comment sections have taught me, it’s that people will bitch about anything. But if they’ve taught me anything else, it’s that there is always another side to the story. If I’m angry about something and bitch about it, there’s a 90% chance that I simply don’t see the big picture. So when things bother me, these days I go looking for the other side. In most cases, it just takes a little empathy. (There are some clear black and white issues, like of course we should have marriage equality, but mostly it’s a little gray.) Even this entry, even with my disclaimer, it will piss off somebody and they will need to tell me why they write all of the time. It’s just inevitable. I certainly have an opinion about everything, but I rarely pick a side anymore.

Parroting

This is more of a Facebook complaint, but it has happened on blogs and Twitter, too. Memes are one thing. And writing is fluid; you pick up little phrases and you use them, and then you drop them when you get sick of it. But sometimes I will want to use a cute phrase because it makes me laugh, and within a day another friend will use it, too. I get that I don’t own the English language, but when I throw something like that into a sentence and it makes me laugh, I’m proud of myself. When other people do it right after I do, it depresses me. It’s not plagiarism and it’s not something you can generally complain about, so it just festers in me. Yuck. I know I do it, too, but I’ve also caught myself and deleted it. Nowadays, I collect the nuggets and save them for something bigger, rather than spending them on a throwaway joke that other people claim as their own.

I Write For A Living

Copywriting and ghostwriting. And now: school, too. I think about words all day, when I get home the last thing I want to do is write. Also: I have a career that I value now, and there’s no such thing as anonymity on the internet anymore. Someday a client is going to find the entry where I list all of the things I have missed about all of my ex-boyfriends. I just have to accept that, since I like that entry too much to delete it. But it makes me very hesitant to put any more of that stuff out there. And I sure as shit won’t link to this blog on Facebook anymore, since all of my co-workers are my Facebook friends.

I’m Married

For all the railing I used to do about independence and co-dependancy , I have to admit that it’s different now. I share 100% of my life with another person. We have our own interests and do our own thing, but he’s always present and we have no real secrets. So the more I share about me, the more I have to share about him. Justin is pretty amazing in that he doesn’t read this blog at all (on our first date, he said he never would because he wanted to learn about me through actual interactions), and he seems okay with all the stuff I put out there on other networks. He has never drawn a line regarding his privacy or what I can and can’t share. But one just naturally appeared for me.

When I blogged about dating or break-ups, it was really about how I was feeling, what I was learning, etc. But now that I’m married, it feels like these are our feelings, our fights, our struggles, our happy moments and our victories. It feels intrusive to share some of those things with you because they are not simply mine to share. The feminist in me is totally gagging over this paragraph, but that’s how it is. (P.S. I have friends in long-term relationships who either can’t or don’t want to get married–I’m sure they have reached this point, too. Marriage was just the defining point for me.)

—-

I think that’s it. Instagram and Twitter and Tumblr (all @SecretlyStephie) are a better fit these days. But I do miss this blog, and I really am trying to figure out how to keep this in my life. Either way, thanks for sticking around.

Icelandic Fun Facts

1. Iceland was formed due to volcanic activity in the rift between the North American and European continents. (We actually stood on 2 continents at the same time; more about that later.) It is still volcanically and geologically active – in fact, the planet’s newest island just recently appeared in Iceland. Lava fields are everywhere and it looks like the moon.
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2. Until the Norse moved to Iceland, the only creature on the entire island besides birds was the Arctic Fox. Pretty sure Iceland is Justin’s favorite country because there are no snakes.
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3. As of right now, there are 320,000 people in Iceland (and 4 times as many sheep). 2/3 of the country lives in Reykjavík and the 2 neighboring cities. The majority of the rest live in a large city in the north. No one lives in the middle. 90% of the towns you see on an Icelandic map are composed of 3-5 homes. One town we passed was just, like, a broken down barn. I cannot stress this enough: it is so empty. People have an entire mountain range and waterfalls in their backyards with no neighbors in sight.
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4. Because the inhabitants of Iceland only go back about 7 generations, everyone in the country is related somehow. The government recently introduced an iPhone app with the entire country’s genealogy. Meet a cute girl at a bar? Bump phones and make sure you’re not cousins before you make a move.
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5. There are no last names in Iceland, at least not family names like ours. (The few that exist are Danes.) Everyone’s last name ends with either –dottir or –son, meaning “daughter of” or “son of”. Bjork’s last name is Guðmundsdóttir, meaning, “daughter of Guðmundur.” For this reason, the phone book is alphabetized by first names.
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6. They are one of the most environmentally efficient countries in the world – 13^th, I believe. Our hotel rooms required us to put a key in the wall in order for us to have power. Most cars run on hydrogen. Everyone recycles. No litter, no pollution. (And yet, TONS of graffiti.) The head of the Icelanic Electricians’ union? Guðmundur of “Guðmundsdóttir.”
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7. Some cars run on garbage! Our driver to and from from the airport had one of these cars. The government rewards you by giving you free parking for an hour and a half anywhere you want. These cars have a tiny clock on the dashboard to time the free parking.
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8. Icelandic continental breakfast: a huge spread of swiss cheese, salami, salmon, hard-boiled eggs, tomatoes and cucumber – all sliced so that you can put them on pieces of toast. Usually bacon, eggs, sausage, hash browns, yogurt and cereal were in the mix. If you really lucked out, heart-shaped waffles. One hotel had shot glasses of fish oil. (P.S. Popular dinner dishes include whale and puffin! We stuck to lamb and lobster. SO much lamb and lobster.)
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9. The sun is out for the majority of the summer. In the north, it never sets at all during the month of June. The darkest I ever saw Iceland in May was a glowing dusk. We drank in Reykjavík until 1 in the morning and the sun was still up.
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10. Much like St. Louis, the famous saying in Iceland is, “If you don’t like the weather, wait 5 minutes.”

Lately I Love – Vol. 2

I’ll write about the Jersey Boys, The Spot, and the marriage my boyfriend performed in a little bit. But, my stats have been blowing up so I felt a little obligated to post something:

Gray Nail Polish

Usually when I see a seasonal trend, I’m either impartial to it (like ruffles) or I immediately accept that it will never look good on me and need to pass (skinny jeans). But when I saw gray nail polish, I knew I had to have it. Essie Power Clutch looks dark at first, but I adjusted quickly and I think it’s gorgeous. Plus, from the steering wheel of my car to my water bottle at the Y, it matches everything I touch and you know how much that excites me. It used to match my favorite gray city flats, but I ripped them yesterday and am still kind of hurting (RIP).

TOMS (maybe)

When I was whining about my first world problems like tearing my favorite shoes, I threw out a joke about TOMS … and then realized TOMS are kind of awesome? They come in the colors I want, are affordable and philanthropic, and the reviews are 99% positive. Plus, they will be 6,000 times more durable than my City Flats. So I caved and bought a gray pair. I’m a little afraid they’ll look like socks on me, but we’ll see.

Anthropologie Sweaters

Despite my cyst-induced poorness, I took my seasonal trip to Anthropologie and bought some sweaters that I absolutely adore. As Ginger says: clothes from Anthropologie aren’t just garments, they are an investment. I would go one step further and say that they’re an investment in confidence, because every single time I wear something from Anthropologie, I get at least 5 compliments. I shopped from the sale rack like a poor lady so I could buy three, so I can’t show you pictures. But trust me, they’re super cute.

The Cardinals

World Series, baby! Justin and I have been walking down to the stadium just to hang around outside during the games. If you’ve ever seen the seamless design of Busch Stadium, you know why. We took Frank down there during a game and he was pretty blown away. Sometimes we even luck out–two weeks ago, we were handed tickets during the 8th inning of game 4, round 1, and we got to watch the Cards win from the bleachers! Justin and I are walking down early to join the party for Game One of the World Series tonight. It’s going to be insane. Oh, and my b-fry Peter picked up a bouncer job at Mike Shannon’s, so we get to stop and hang out with him on our walks.

Baked Brie

The wedding favor for Brent and Sarah’s wedding (which I’ll write about once Ann posts our Photómaton pictures) was homemade jam, and I managed to snag a few jars of her apricot Riesling. This week the weather finally turned chilly, and while this is usually grilled cheese and tomato soup weather, the jam inspired me to make some baked brie. Most people wrap it in dough, but I just do straight-up brie coated with jam. There’s nothing like taking a chilly walk to Culinaria to choose from a million different brie varieties and then coming home to a toasty loft to work on my night cheese. Amazing.

Running

You might remember that I tried to run 100 miles in 3 weeks. Well, work got a little insane and I needed to clean and prep for my guests, so I ran short on time and decided to not kill myself over a dumb goal that I set for myself. But still: I got to 90! Not bad for a first try, right? Now that life has slowed down a bit, I’m going to try again. I started yesterday and plan to be a little smarter about my pacing. 7 down, 93 to go!

On Beauty

I’ve been meaning to read White Teeth for about a million years, and I was thisclose to borrowing it from Sarah, but she told me she practically started a religion about On Beauty and wanted me to read it first. I still have 50 or so pages left, but it’s fantastic and I highly recommend it.

REVENGE

I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THIS SHOW. It’s everything Ringer was supposed to be (though, there’s hope for Ringer now that Logan from Veronica Mars just showed up). I love this show so much, I don’t even care that the dog is like 200 years old. Is it the class war vengeance? The clothes? Scary Madeline Stowe? The reincarnation of Steff from Pretty in Pink? Whatever; it’s all good. I don’t think the name of the show is officially in caps, but that’s the way all the fans say it in their head. REVENGE. I LOVE YOU.

This Thing

Read it. Or don’t. Generation X don’t care. Generation X don’t give a shit.

Lately I Love

Lynne Stone

About once a year, I’m reminded of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and I remember how much I wanted to be Helen Hunt’s character from that movie. A workman onesie with a scarf and a Davy Crockett hat? Lynne is more than a fashion inspiration; she’s a role model.

Tortoiseshell Watch

AAAGGGHHH! You guys! I’ve always loved tortoiseshell and have been dying for a tortoiseshell watch ever since I knew they existed. However, most tortoiseshell watches include either a gold face or fake diamonds all over it. Ew! Well, I finally found my dream watch, a tortoiseshell boyfriend Fossil with a black and silver face.

I’m on Fashion Cloud 9 over here. Most importantly, it matches my Abe Lincoln vs. Bigfoot t-shirt.

Veronica Mars

Justin suggested watching a few episodes of this to cheer me up the night before my biopsy-thingies (what is the word for when they chop you up and take pieces of you to run biopsies?). AAAAND now he’s hooked. We’re three discs in and I’m a happy lady.

(via starsweptnight)

Harry Potter Mania

There are a billion Harry Potter fans on Tumblr, and they’ve been filling up my dash with HP gems like this:

I can’t get enough of it. I will be seeing the last movie this weekend with Jen. She and I have seen five of the films together in the theater! (The other two were seen with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.)

Did you know I was at the world premiere of the very first Harry Potter film in London in 2001? Those pictures are mostly fuzzy and awful, but scanned and coming soon.

Grown-Up Neville Longbottom

HAY NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:

Friday Night Lights Appreciation

The internet is also FNL-crazy, thanks to the end of the series. And my girl Tami Taylor, aka Connie Britton, has been nominated for an Emmy along with her TV husband! Isn’t that awesome, y’all?

Google+

That’s right, I’m plus’n. I’m having tons of fun with my 18 friends, thankyouverymuch. It reminds me of the very early days of MySpace where it was me, the Jersey Boys and half of LA. There were about 30 people from St. Louis on MySpace in the beginning, all strangers to me at the time, and I’m still friends with most of them.

Long Hair

I’ve been growing out my hair for my cousin’s wedding, and I’m having so much fun with it. It’s especially nice to wear it up at my new job, where I have to walk outdoors through a wind tunnel to get to meetings. Wind and heat will destroy my hair in 3 seconds flat. Speaking of, I’m enjoying the freedom of venturing outside in 102˙ weather and managing to look … well, not cute, but no worse than everyone else.

Who knows? I may grow it as long as it was in London! (I will part it from the side this time, I promise. And throw in some mousse. Middle Part. Never Forget.)

Terrible Movie Mondays

Justin is now working Monday nights, which means I go to the Redbox and get awfully-awesome teen movies that I would totally eat up on cable, if I had cable.

Guilder Nostalgia

I was trying to explain to someone how wonderfully fun Europe was pre-Euro. He was on the fence til I googled the Guilder. Look!

The watermark for this one was a bumblebee. I would be so good at saving money in a world with the Guilder–I would want to keep them all on my wall!

(Image from here–click for an awesome watermark picture!)

Charlie

Always.

It’s Oh So Quiet

Yeah, I’m not in a writing mood, at least not here. I will be eventually, but here’s the deal:

1. I LOVE my new job and I actually want to do well at it. This means I can no longer blog during work about how much I hate work.

2. More freelance work and collaborations are on my plate, eating the little free time I have. (I don’t get paid much for the jobs, but Mike always gives me a bottle of wine.)

3. My benefits are about to kick in, which means I have to deal with 401Ks and health insurance and bleeeuuugghhh   p=(0_O)* 

4. I’m trying SO hard to get to the Y, you guys! I work on my fitness for an hour a day! I ordered my bridesmaid dress in a size too small, so I HAVE TO OR IT WON’T ZIP UP.

5. I’m still used to working early in the day, but my partner and boss stay late, so I usually end up working at least 9 hours. And I like it?

6. Choreschoreschoreschoreschorescho

7. The ongoing saga of Justin’s puppet film.

8. A social tsunami of weddings, Double Quinceañeras, art shows, happy hours, concerts, showers, parties, Soulard Market, triathlons, NAPA and more happy hours.

9. Watching Fringe while eating parmesan popcorn is still the highlight of every evening and I won’t sacrifice a second of it.

10. Three of my friends are now engaged to people they’ve been dating for a year or less (one friend? Three months). I am also now the last friend standing out of my high school crew to be without a spouse or a baby (an 00ps-i-knocked-up-a-sorority-girl baby, but still). I’m in the best relationship of my life, have a career I couldn’t have reached otherwise, and am clearly in no hurry to lose any more of my free time to wedding planning or babies. But I feel like if I start exploring the fact that I’ve hit “old maid” status this early into my thirties, I will have a Cathyesque breakdown.

11. This whole May 21 Rapture thing. Okay. Y’all. Family Radio is a creepy sect with a billboard budget. Can we please not call them Christians? And can you guys remember for 2 seconds that I grew up in a church where people speak in Tongues  and fall over and believe in this stuff? And that I somehow turned into a nice person who loves gay people and Jesus and canvas grocery bags and education and F bombs and helping orphans all at the same time?

Even though most churches gross me out these days, many Christians are just like me, people who are just trying to be good people and don’t talk about their faith or their politics or how perfect they’re trying to be. You don’t notice these Christians because they’re doing exactly what they should be doing. You only notice the crazies, and then you lump everyone who ever jammed to DC Talk (andmayormaynothaveaDCTalkcassetteinhercar) into that crazy train and then I scroll down my feeds and I see you mocking my past and it hurts my feelings and this is why I can’t even you guys.

P.S. That was me blowing my brains out, courtesy of Glark.

Champs and … Well, Champs

I’ve been moving some of my past entries over* and it made me a little nostalgic for my Champs and Chumps lists.

I don’t have any Chumps right now that I can think of (or any that I should write about, at least), so let’s keep this positive and go ALL CHAMPS. Ready?

CHAMPS

Cabin in the Woods: Joss Whedon has a movie coming out? Co-written and directed by Drew Goddard? With tons of Buffyverse actors, including my favorite, Tom Lenk?** How did I miss this news? Needless to say, I’m pumped, especially since I just finished the latest (smut-filled)(hilarious) Buffy comic book.

Insanity Workouts: I’m on Month 2, Day 9, which is the longest I’ve gone without life interrupting. I feel great and I love that I’m on a good roll. I still need to take a lot of 5-second rests, but it amazes me that I’m able to do this.

This Bag: I sent my Style Guru Ginger on a mission for a cute computer bag, and while the adorable one she found was too expensive, it inspired me to “go yellow” and I found this:

TV Time: Justin has relaunched his rooftop TV club, this time at The Moolah! (Well, the Mini-Moolah in the lobby to be exact.) It’s always fun and the themes are hilarious. Please come – Tuesday nights at 8!

$$$: Justin and I are now planning on making the move official after Christmas. This way I don’t have to leave my mom alone during the Christmas season. This ALSO means 2 more months of extra $$, which is great because HUGE expenses seem to be hitting all at once (like this morning, when my car didn’t start – CHUMP CARD)

Halloween: TONS of HUGE parties to look forward to. I’m recycling last year’s costume because I love it, and y’all will freak over Justin’s. It’s going to be a good weekend.

Freedom: The Internet has talked enough about this book, but I wanted to throw it out there that I’m enjoying it a lot. And since the only time I can read is before bed and I fall asleep after 20 pages, I’m dragging out this pleasure for as long as possible. Thanks, Franzen.

Road Trip: I’m going to Indiana with Justin for Thanksgiving. I’m so excited to see where he grew up and meet his extended family! We’re visiting both parents, which means I get to see the whole state (and maybe drop by Michigan to hug an old friend or two). Because of my dad’s surgeries and my work’s VERY limited vacation policy, I haven’t had time to leave town since 2007. That’s right, aside from Illinois, I have not left the state in 3 years. Isn’t that horrifying? Never again.

This Guy: Wait about 30 seconds, and then this guy launches into my exact philosophy for life. I cannot emphasize enough how much my life changed when this outlook suddenly clicked in me:

*Yes, I know there will be a WordPress export file someday. However:

a. I don’t trust Blog-City.
b. I’m impatient and anxious; I just feel better doing it now.
c. I have plenty of spelling errors and inappropriate content that needs to be fixed or deleted.
d. Some (many) entries are stupid and don’t need to be moved.
e. I like having control over these things. Much like I’m doing with my childhood basement right now, if this place is going down then I’m gutting it myself.
f. I’m sure I would have to go back through all the entries to fix some sort of error anyway. (See point a.)

Maybe by the time I’m sick of this, a tested and awesome export file will be available and I can move the rest with one click. But until then, I’m having fun reliving 05 – 06!

**I am pretty sure, via Facebook, that my friend Conor knows Tom Lenk. However, he always has people asking, “You know so-and-so? I LOVE so-and-so!!” I’m trying to avoid being that person. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Five By Five

Last night:

• Awesome BBQ at Nick’s, with all-star food and a portobello-swiss burger
• Seeing a rarely-tipsy Justin tipsy, thanks to free beers in a luxury Busch Statium box
• Having my own parking spot downtown!
• A fun walk with my boyfriend, before meeting with friends at Jen’s building
• A view of the Arch underneath the trees!
• 5 couples… including, for once, me
• The last single event for Niki and Dustin.
• Being jealous of the kids who got to watch fireworks while sitting on a firetruck ladder! No fair!
• Arriving just in time to hear the B-52s play “Love Shack” AND “Rock Lobster”
• Amazingly off-beat dancing from some underage drunk white girls
• Snuggling for the ages
• Fireworks:

This Morning:

• Sleeping in
• Cheesy eggs made by a hot bearded man
• Skipping down the (rarely) empty street to Gelateria
• Getting respectfully hollered at by two old black men
• Fresh giant cinnamon roll
• Breakfast in COUCH BOAT
• Buffy Season 3 marathon
• “Justin, meet Faith. Faith, Justin.”
• Talking ’bout the future. Lots
• Nose kisses from Chauncy, with minimal resulting hives

Moral of the story: if you’re having one of the shittiest days of your life, it’s highly possible that in exactly a year, you could have a near-perfect 24 hours. So try to think of it as a good sign.

Today, You’re The Best Around

Sorry for a list, but Justin is on his way over and we have champagne to drink! Here’s why today is the best:

1. I JUST PAID OFF AN $18,000 CAR LOAN 1 YEAR EARLY. That’s like a whole extra paycheck for me!

2. I got a new computer at work today – a computer made in this century that can actually support the Internet, as opposed to my old computer than ran on Firefox ver. 1/2.

3. I ran today! I am out of shape and totally sucked at it, but I hobbled around for an hour and have a total runner’s high.

4. Erin posted our conversation yesterday on her blog, which is something I do all the time but have never had done to me.*

5. They are playing The Room at The Tivoli in March! I’d like to think this is all because of me.

6. Pretty much best hair day ever.

7. I finally braved the Whole Foods in Brentwood to buy soy sausage, and made the most bombass breakfast for dinner ever (at least, the best under 300 calories).

Oh Today I Love You XOXOXO

*That’s what she said.

Ideas I’ve Been Having

1. Saying “Cheese and Crackers” when I get angry. This flew out of my mouth – for absolutely no reason I can fathom – one night during traffic. I laughed so hard, I forgot what I was mad at. Jesus probably appreciated it, too. So we’ll give it a shot.

2. Starting a photo series called “Real Teens, Real Talk” where my friends sit backwards on a chair and look into the camera all serious. I’m trying to think of hilarious captions for everyone regarding STDs and drugs and stuff.

3. Since 11-8 is me and Justin’s Opposite Anniversary (actual is 8-11), I’m gonna make an opposite mix-tape full of amazing songs about terrible relationship, like “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis and “Cecelia” by Simon and Garfunkel. As Veronica says, “Of course you are. Of course.” Don’t tell him!

4. 3 Cheers for the Weirs. New raffle prizes include 2 cases of beer and Blues tickets. Last night someone at The Royale recognized me as “that girl throwing a concert for her parents.” I don’t know which is better: that this is how I introduced myself to my new city, or that my new city introduced themselves to me by being so eager to help. Anyways, I think Graham got drunk with Beatle Bob and invited him? My life has gotten so weird.

5. My Halloween costume, which, UGH I do not have time to work on at all. Right now I’m thinking Juice Box or something related to idea #2. Anybody know where I could quickly find a Looney Tunes t-shirt in 2009, besides Six Flags?

Isn’t that picture the Björkest I have ever Björked?

Jason’s Approval

At least twice a week, my roommate Jason and I will arrive home at the same time and share a drunk giggly recap of the night before we go to bed, or a croaky conversation about it the next morning.

He has a lot of trouble keeping track of my friends’ names, especially if he’s never met them. And I’ve only truly dated 2 boys since I’ve lived with him, but there have been several crushes, pursuitors, or one-date-wonders. And whether I am happy, angry, sad, or in love, he never has any idea who I am talking about. Unless, of course, he gives them a nickname.

You are not officially a man in my life until Jason figures out what to call you. Here are some of my favorite nicknames that Jason has thrown out over the years:

* Harvey Danger

* Revenge of the Nerd

* WrappedAroundYourFinger

* Found Guy

* Oh Yeah, Mike! – The one he set me up with and actually knows

* The Mexican – clearly not Mexican; I have no idea where this came from and neither does Jason

* “LET’S HANG” – named for an actual text the dude sent me at 3 in the morning

* Mr. Opportunity – what he’s called my ex since he got fired from Imo’s

* The, uh… [points to eyebrows]

* Straight Doogie

* Fat Paul Rudd

I love Jason. And yes, he has a nickname for Justin. No, I will not tell you which one.

To reiterate, I have NOT dated or even liked all these dudes, no matter what Frank and Ray tell you.

July: The Long and Winding Recap

If I’ve been in the mood to write and spill my guts this week (which I haven’t been, mostly), then I’ve either been too busy or dealing with Bacon. He’s napping right now and there are about 800 things I need to do before he wakes up, but I wanted to tell you about the funnest club ever…

TV Time Kidz™. It’s the coolest! (Sorry Drunken Intervention Fan Club – though I miss hanging with Erin in general and I consider the Allison rerun during my absense an absolute karmic payback.)

Every Monday, fellow Squid Justin projects episodes from 80’s and 90’s tv shows on his roof. Each night has a theme: Bullies, Best Friends, Crushes, Saturday Morning Cartoons, etc.

Last night’s theme was “Mistakes and Cover-Up”, so we watched Stephanie Tanner drive a car into the kitchen, Peter Brady break a vase, Ben Seaver accidentally commit a felony, Blossom almost score at a make-out party, and Doug from Doug hide a letter from his mom. Best part? The 1981 After School Special “Please Don’t Hit Me, Mom” staring Patty Duke, Sean Astin and Nancy McKeon.

You have to know the password to get buzzed onto the roof (this week’s password was “please don’t hit me mom”). He’s always offering us my favorite snacks like Flavor Ice and Handi-Snacks. His neighbor always brings her daughter, and it’s fun seeing her react to these shows for the first time. Sometimes dogs come. My favorite Squids like RØB, Bill, Charles and Karen are always there. (Kevin’s brother was there, too!) Justin is awesome.

The best part? It’s on the roof at night, so it lacks the hot/humid/gross factor of most summer outdoor activities. (But the second this cold July heats back up, I may have to beg Erin and her AC to take me back.) Also, the view is unbelievable:

(You can see downtown and part of the Arch, too, but that’s my favorite part. That and the blimp that flew overhead during the Homerun Derby).

Other stuff I’ve been doing:

• Yelling “NO!” at Bacon
• Running 5 miles at least 4 times a week. I ran it in 1:03:00 last week – certainly not the most impressive, but something I never thought I’d be able to do. Going for under an hour this weekend
• Hitting Month 3 as a non-smoker
• Gushing over pictures of Klarissa (to be posted later – she has the most hair you will ever see on a baby)
• Procrastinating writing about Kevin’s wedding (let the record show that it always takes about a month for me to write about the best stuff)
• Losing 5 more pounds – only [redacted] pounds to go!
• Surviving the Fourth (I think I summed it up all right in comments a few entries ago)
• Attending a viewing of my favorite movie The Room in an awesome TOP SECRET location
• Drinks with new awesome pals Karen and Justin at good old Weber’s
• Getting ready to move (*sniffle*) to the city (hooray!)
• Totally crushing
• Questionably rocking out to the Counting Crows at the Riverfront with friends for Jason’s 30th birthday
• Watching a homeless guy pee his pants on the Arch Steps to the tune of “Mr. Jones”
• Taking Bacon to the park for the first time. What a pussy. He saw a duck and literally leapt into my arms
• Well, if it isn’t HAAAAR-RY POT-TAH! This is the fourth Harry Potter installment that I’ve seen with Jen, Ron and the gang. I thought it was super cute
• Enjoying the freezing weather that we’ve been blessed with this month. That’s right, BLESSED. Screw hot weather. It’s so windy and chilly, I can actually go to the Botanical Gardens for Wednesday Jazz and drink wine without feeling like I’m going to faint
• Seeing GOGOL BORDELLO – one of my favorite bands ever – TOMORROW NIGHT! AGH! This will mean that I’ve now seen my top five favorite living bands in person; AWESOME

AAANNNNDD that’s it for now. Cool stufff to come, but I will be very busy with puppies and moving. Or running away with Eugene Hütz HOPEFULLY.

Go Shortcake, It’s Your Birthday

Every June 11, Shortcake gets one year older. And every year, I forget to acknowledge it. Well, this is the 5-Year Blogiversary, kids. So it’s time for a pat on the back. No no, not my back. Yours.

I usually don’t talk about the amount of hits I get on this blog unless it’s a big milestone. And I certainly don’t delude myself into thinking that I’m remotely talented or well known just because strangers read this. In fact, people on Tumblr and Twitter are so obsessed with their “followers” and pseudo-fame that I’ve gotten a little grossed out and considered not even acknowledging this little landmark. It’s just the Internet, babies. We’re all stars here.

But I think it’s pretty remarkable that in the beginning, I only had 3 readers (Jen, Ron, and Kevin), and now my life is full of friendships and opportunities that were made possible solely because of this site and the people who read it. It has turned a pessimist into an optimist, and an introvert into a notorious extrovert. It has honestly changed my life, and changed it for the better. And that’s not because of me. It’s because of you.

~~~*~~~

I started Shortcake during graduate school. At the time, I told everyone I was procrastinating while I wrote my thesis. But the truth is, I had gotten dumped by a boy who lived on the East Coast, and I wanted him to see how great I was doing without him and remember how witty and incredible I was. I wanted him to read this blog, miss me terribly, and beg me to take him back.

And it worked. In fact, it worked so well that after a week of talking, he was promising to move here. Make up for everything. Start a life with me. The works.

Obviously it was only temporary, and after we broke up again I had to give Shortcake another purpose. And more importantly, I had to give my life a different purpose because I honestly thought I was going to marry him. Move with him. Have some babies. The works.

“Now what?” I wondered (and wrote to all of you).

The truth is, I still don’t know. And so, I’m still writing. For a moment in time, I was on this clear path with a clear destination. Now I’m on this wild detour with no end in sight. But I love all the twists and turns, all the discoveries, and even the bumps in the road. Mostly, I’ve loved sharing all of it with you:

• My first blind date.
• My first gray hair.
• My first real job (and did I bust out a “That’s what he said” in 2005? Yes I did).
• Finally falling in love again.
• Inevitably getting my heart broken again (but breaking a few myself).
• Dancing in private.
• Dancing in public.
• Giving up on life.
• Remembering why life rocks.
• Crappy poetry.
• The Imagine Rule.
• The Reverse Thomas J.
• The one about Halloween (and the best comment thread ever; way to go gang).
• Getting compared to Carol Burnett by a very hilarious, very drunk man.
• The Secretary General of Cool (who just returned from a Malian village and was the first white man they’ve ever seen; it never stops).
• Having the official “Best Year Ever“.
• Finding Heaven in my hash browns.
• Being sleepless and prolific.
• Being sleepless and totally ridiculous.
• Someone predicting my death.
• Watching my friends basically save a life.
• Remembering past adventures.
• Enjoying new ones.
• Accidentally flirting with my ex’s half brother. (*takes a bow*)
• Discovering how it feels to actually grow up.

And so on, and so on, and so on…

~~~*~~~

I feel so comfortable spilling my guts because I know old friends (like Heather, Courtney, J, Pandy, Emily H., Steve and of course Jen, Ron and Kevin) are here cheering me on.

I keep writing because friends-of-friends end up reading this blog, and somehow it grows into real friendships that I value immensely (like with RØB, Janet, Courtney, Charles, Emily, Erin F., Erin T, Josh, Jaime, Sara, Allison, Rob and The Captain).

When talented people I respect and writers I admire (like Andy, Coire, Francis, Stee, Davy, Mort, John N., Ray, Frank and Erik) tell me that that they read this blog and like it, I totally freak out. And when I get a comment like this, I may or may not cry.

~~~*~~~

I have to give a special shout-out to Ben. He was the first stranger who ever wrote to me to tell me that he liked my blog. I was so fascinated and freaked out by this that I had to meet him. We ate frozen custard at Ted Drewes. Then one day, he sent me this:

That’s Beth Grant, the actress who said my favorite movie quote ever, saying it directly to me. That actually happened because I write about my dumb life on the Internet (and because Ben makes movies and totally rocks). That is INSANE.

~~~*~~~

Since I’ve linked to half of my archives, I might take a week off. So I want to congratulate Kevin and Monica now for GETTING MARRIED on Saturday!

ALSO: As much as I write on here, my favorite thing I’ve ever written isn’t on Shortcake. It’s the last sentence of this.

So… I think that’s enough, right? Is that enough to commemorate five years, five hundred entries and countless fantastic friends? Do you have enough hyperlinks to last a lifetime? Have I completely grossed you out and now you’re barfing? I hope so. And I love you. Thank you for listening.

25 (More) Things

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote one of those 25 Facts things for Facebook. My list got bumped off my wall almost immediately from all of the birthday wishes. (Not complaining! Loved it!) A lot of people have been re-posting these lists on their blogs.

However, I’ve been tagged on Myspace about 10 times, so I pulled most of those 25 things from previous lists. It got me thinking: “Wow, I don’t have time to write anything this week.” And, “can I come up with 25 more?”

So here you go, because I’m totally lazy Twitter is stealing all my funny I love you:

1. I dance every single day. I dance in front of people maybe twice a year (and one of those times is all Thriller, baby).

2. I have a genuine Voltron that splits into the lions. This is how I impress boys.

3. I still have all the notes that my friends passed to me in high school. They are hilarious.

4. “I-Statements” go a long way in my world. Use them. If you straight up tell me what to do, I will probably do the opposite unless you are my boss.

5. Whenever I am standing, like in line or at a concert, I tend to stand on one foot like a flamingo. I KILL at Wii Fit balance games.

6. I used to be empathetic to a fault and have made an actual effort to be more callous and judgmental.

7. I sit Indian-style at my desk, usually barefoot. It’s hard for me to be creative when I’m sitting like a square.

8. I used to lip-sync to Mariah Carey’s MTV Unplugged. Like, regularly.

9. Sometimes I call my pathological liar friend because I know he’ll tell me exactly what I want to hear.

10. I spent a decade being totally fat and while it sucked at the time, I’m glad it happened. Living in both bodies has made me a smarter and cooler person. The fact that people are nicer to me when I’m skinny makes me want to eat junk food.

11. On a similar note, I still get weirded out if I’m treated like a “pretty girl”. I usually say something silly or unladylike immediately to diffuse the tension and, consequentially, kill the mood. I don’t think I should get used to that treatment because prettiness kills brain cells and eventually fades. However, I WILL panic when people stop calling me adorable.

12. I don’t drink soda. I didn’t consciously quit; I just decided that I prefer pink lemonade. Every now and then when I’m feeling crazy, I’ll pour an inch of my roommate’s Dr. Pepper and sip it like scotch.

13. Regarding your boyfriends: I think you deserve much better but I’m always rooting for them to prove me wrong.

14. There is a tiny part of me that still believes stuffed animals have feelings.

15. I have only cheated on one person. I was on another continent and we ended up going out for years, so it probably falls more in the “met someone else” category. The guy I cheated on is now happilly married so I no longer feel guilty about this. Whew!

16. I have an old friend who is a phone sex operator (or, “Telesex Artist”) in another country. Whenever I am really scared or upset, one of the first things I do is IM her and ask her to pray for me.

17. I onced secretly touched a stalagmite in Meremec Caverns because I was told that would stunt its growth for hundreds of years. I FELT POWERFUL.

18. I’m pretty sure I can recite Empire Records in its entirety from memory.

19. I was bullied a lot as a kid and for years I wouldn’t talk to new people because I was afraid. These days, I am shocked if someone doesn’t like me. SHOCKED. I basically bully those people into being my friend. I love the fact that rejection has become this completely foreign concept to me.

20. The thought of a sad old person can make me cry for hours. Same with dogs; I refuse to watch any movie where a dog is sad.

21. I’ve picked up one habit/preference in each relationship that I still maintain to this day. Tim = Beatles. Chris = “Yay!” Brian = namedropping. Pat = tea. Etc.

22. Speaking of namedropping, I have been following Ashton and Demi on Twitter, and WOW, they are totally annoying?

23. I convince myself that I am dying of something every 6 months. It is especially bad when my dad is sick. I’ve considered finding my biological parents just to determine what is lurking in my DNA.

24. I get totally psyched when people flash their brights to warn me about a speed trap. I pretend that we are in a secret society.

25. I’m in awe of every single one of my friends and I brag about them like they are my grandchildren.

Disturbingly Undisturbed

Every now and then, I’ll see something and realize that it should really freak me out… but for some unexplained reason, I either enjoy it or regard it with general indifference. Examples:

1. The premise of E!’s Girls Next Door.

2. The lyrics to any Top 40 song the kids are humpty-dancing to these days.

3. Foreign people who still faint when they see Michael Jackson.

4. The way my roommate and his BFF giggle when they kill people in Grand Theft Auto.

5. Ryan on the new (completely old-school and amazing) Real World. The first thing I thought when I saw his drunken fist pump was, “I hope Rich makes an animated GIF out of that.” He did not disappoint.

6. Mariah Carey’s marriage to Nick Cannon.

7. The fact that it’s Tina Chen‘s world and I’m just living in it.

8. Eyelash extensions.

9. My Bizzaro-World twinblog The Captain (although to be fair, he owns it and gives me a shoutout in the last paragraph).

10. Gonzo’s romantic interest in chickens on The Muppet Show.

And here’s something so awesome I can’t believe it’s acceptable:

1. Cheese Danishes. It’s cheesecake for breakfast. WHAAAAAAT.

Regarding My Weekend

POP QUIZ:

Am I making these faces on the inside because of:

a) Terrifying Facebook friend requests

b) My bathroom scale

c) Running a combined 12 miles and reviving my stress fracture

d) A terrifying unresolved health issue and/or hypochondriac google panic party

e) Ex-boyfriend at my front door

f) No drinking

g) 10% of my usual cigarette intake

h) Spotting Frank & Erik as a “New and Notable” podcast on iTunes

i) Writing the sh*t out of new stuff, which I haven’t done in forever

j) New Twin Peaks Club tomorrow?

k) Giving half of my closet to charity

l) The biggest full moon of 2009

m) The PMS

n) Discovering (and becoming obsessed with) The Recently Deflowered Girl

o) The newest 30 Rock with Kenneth’s version of Top That

p) Recovering from dancing at Girl Talk

q) Recovering from eye-rolling at BOY Talk

r) Being forced against my will to watch Rock of Love: Bus

s) Some of the above

t) All of the above

HINTS:

* D and E are absolutely not related
* E and Q unfortunately are
* A was not E, but did result in a terrible nostalgic 1-2 punch
* L and M when combined are lethal (for Gummy Bears)
* C, F and P canceled out B
* All could have benefited from F and G, though R made me appreciate my decision

ANSWER:

t) All of the above

Stephie Gets Tagged VI

Janternet tagged me the other day, so now I have to share 8 random facts about myself.

I shared the best ones the first time I was tagged), but I heart Janternet so I’ll try to make these good:

1. Neil Young has been playing in my car nonstop, and singing along has been so therapeutic for me. It erases my troubles. My current favorite is “For the Turnstiles”.

2. I still sleep with my blanky. I was planning on throwing it out when I got married but (a) I doubt that will ever happen and (b) it can only handle 4 more trips through the dryer, tops.

3. I enjoy doing really monotonous things like data entry and stuffing envelopes. I think it comes from having to be creative and pull ideas out of thin air all day. I find peace in tangible tasks.

4. I know absolutely everything about The Brady Bunch. I used to be obsessed. So this new tell-all book from Maureen McCormick that just came out is like, the highlight of my year.

5. For various reasons (out-of-state college, DUI, environmentalism, general loserness), I have not had a boyfriend with a car since 2002. EARLY 2002. I know.

6. I collect glass paperweights, particularly ones with a splash of cobalt blue. I think they are beautiful.

7. I have two scars on my hip that have been there for almost 14 years. They made me a stronger person. Sometimes when I am scared or upset, I put my hand on my hip to remind myself. I’m channeling the Brave Juice. Watch out.

8. Today a man called me from Scotland and serenaded me with “To Be With You” by Mr. Big. I can’t think of anything more perfect. You know, aside from being in Scotland with him.

I’m supposed to tag 8 people back. So I will tag… Heather, Erin, Jaime, Mike, Iain, Courtney, Rocket Queen and Jen.

Thanks Janternet!

The Reverse Thomas J

In My Girl, there’s this part where Vada Sultenfuss is coping with Thomas J.’s death and she stops eating all the food he was allergic to. I don’t remember if it was in the movie or just in the book version, which I owned for some reason.* But she picks tomatoes off of a sandwich and declares, “I’m allergic to tomatoes.” Thomas J. was allergic to tomatoes.

When someone breaks your heart, you cope by doing the opposite. Everything that he or she loves, you have to hate. When you see something they like, it’s sad because you want to share it with them, buy it for them or even pretend you like it out of habit (because that’s what you’re actually doing, right?). So you avoid all of those bands, movies, TV shows, etc. That’s how you cope. It’s the Reverse Thomas J.

Right now I have to avoid a lot of things that I genuinely like. I have to hate The Clash. I have to hate eggs. I have to hate trivia and I LOVE trivia. I especially have to hate tea. This is kind of annoying but I can’t help it. The Reverse Thomas J.

Luckily, the majority of things I have to avoid are things I wasn’t a fan of to begin with: baseball, poker, whiskey, Wondershozen, being a total D-Bag, etc.

I had completely forgotten about this part of it, but The Reverse Thomas J. happens to me every time. Over the course of my life I have been forced to avoid so many weird things:

• Connecticut
• X-Men
• High School Hockey
• White Fish on Egg Bagels (which no one talks about in Missouri except around me)
• Maps
• Canada
• The Smashing Pumpkins
• Global Foods
• The left side of Des Peres movie theater
• Led Zeppelin
• Big Red chewing gum
• Anything that is tie-dyed
• Grape Gatorade
• The WWE
• Springfield, MO
• Springfield where the Simpsons live
• Historical artifacts
• Life Cereal
• All things French
• Beer
• The Yankees
• Flash Gordon
• Barbeques
• That album Michael Jackson made with E.T.
• Chef Gordon Ramsey
• Frozen candy bars
• The good parts of Illinois
• Quik Trip
• The Superbowl
• Gargoyles

And so on…

The absolute WORST was that month when Tim and I were broken up:

I had to avoid THE BEATLES.

This was in 2000 at the exact moment they released “Beatles 1” with all their greatest hits. There were TV specials and Beatles anthologies EVERYWHERE. I mean, give me a break. It was impossible.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you experienced the Reverse Thomas J.? What weird stuff have you found yourselves avoiding?

*I would watch the movie and check for myself, except not. My Girl is more painful than that movie where the baby dinosaur from The Land Before Time stepped on Fivel the mouse and Bambi’s mom right before it ate Ponyboy from The Outsiders and shot Old Yeller.

Lies I Told Frank

Last week I took my first vacation in over two years – well, the first vacation that did not involve a wedding of some sort. I went to New Jersey to visit Steve and Frank. I took pictures with an old-timey disposable camera, so I have to get them developed before I blog about it. In the meantime, here is a prologue to tide you over, plus a few confessions.

Lie Number 1: I swore to Frank I would never “kiss and blog”. That’s a boldfaced lie because guess what pals: I kissed two boys on my vacation. (Neither one was Frank.) This is worth noting because both were super unexpected, both called me “beautiful” and both of them made me smile and laugh a lot. They didn’t make me laugh because they called me beautiful, though I do think that’s a silly thing to say to a girl like me.

Lie Number 2: Frank teased me for wearing high heels to the Found party and I was like, “Dude, I wear heels all the time.” LIE. I wear them maybe like twice a week – certainly more than I did a year ago but definitely not enough to walk over 2 miles through Brooklyn, which is what we did.

I had blisters the size of quarters on both of my big toes and I was a total jerk by the end of our hike. However I felt better by the end of the night and even asked Frank if he could guide me to a Bulgarian bar called Mehanata, which is where my crush Eugene Hutz DJs on Thursday nights. I didn’t hear Frank’s answer, but it was probably along the lines of “F#@& you.”

Lie Number 3: I told Frank that the brownies his girlfriend made were “really good”, which is technically a lie because – and I swear this by the beautiful beard of Zeus – they were the best brownies I have ever eaten in my life. I did not get to meet her, but she already gets my seal of approval and I believe she is a direct descendant of Betty Crocker and/or Keebler Elves. Please send me the recipe ASAP.

Check Out These Hotties!

Josh, Mikey and a few others are teaming up for Clap for Joan – a kick-ass comedy outfit that performs every Wednesday at Harry’s Bar and Grill. Be there. 10:00. That’s where I’ll be.

You already know how funny Josh and Mikey are. I’ve seen Jeff and Joe’s sets before – they are both hysterical. But the kid I’m most psyched about is Mark Feigenbutz – his stuff is really original and awesome, and he’s secretly my favorite local comedian (he’s also the cutest – suits will do that to a girl). Don’t tell Josh.

~~~*~~~

I often get “tagged” on Myspace, which means I have to write 10 random facts about myself. I got tagged again and you know what? I am running out of good ones.

However, I really liked the first 20 facts that I wrote, so I’m reposting them here. I have a new roommate and I’ve switched around my top friends, but most of these still apply:

1. All I have eaten for the past 2 weeks are Hot Pockets and Pink Lady Apples.

2. I tell everyone that my favorite song is “Rudie Can’t Fail” by the Clash, but my actual favorite song is “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” by Sophie B. Hawkins.

3. I have a crush on the adorable hippy “sandwich artists” at my local Subway, especially the one who always gives me “a hot cookie for a hot cookie”.

4. My insomnia was so bad in high school that I had permission to take naps in the nurses office during class. I also skipped school for a week in the 4th grade and got away with it

5. I have a double uvula, and I’ve only met one other person who has one. I also have a chicken pox scar in the middle of my forehead and I always forget it’s there.

6. I started reading John Mayer’s blog and now I am in love with John Mayer. This is probably the dirtiest secret I have.

7. Out of all my friends from high school, Warren and I are the only two who have never been arrested. We also scored the highest on our ACTs. I’m just saying.

8. I was born with blond hair and blue eyes. When I was a toddler, I wanted to look like my pretty mom, so I wished for brown hair and green eyes. My wish came true within the next year; for a while I assumed that was how life worked.

9. I just asked my roommate for a random fact, and he said I make cute noises when I sleep. Fact #9: my roommate watches me sleep.

10. According to Steve and Frank, the outgoing message on my phone sounds like I’m “hanging out with Care Bears and happy faces.”

11. My roommate runs around my apartment all day in under-armor, and then he makes me dinner. I have a Cabana Boy. ‘Bout time!

12. I have won “Egyptian Rat Screw” in five countries and eight states. I am also the current “Simon Says” champion of Belize and Guatemala.

13. I once jumped off of a bridge onto a moving train and rode it to Illinois. Then my boyfriend’s mom had to pick us up and she was PISSED.

14. My best friend and I got our eyebrows pierced in Florida in a room full of sailors. Two years later I went to a party and I was so bored that I took it out, just to see if anyone would notice.

15. I punched a girl in the face “for being a bully” when I was 16, and my hand hurt so much that I cried about it later.

16. I spent a week in a house on Abbey Road with a boy who learned how to say “You have beautiful eyes” in over 30 languages… just for me.

17. I can say all the books of the Bible in 23 seconds.

18. I’m adopted and I have a sheet of paper that tells me about my birth parents. All of their hobbies are things that I am naturally good at or things I’ve always liked. I discovered the list when I was 14. I also discovered that I’m Dutch and I will not be growing any taller.

19. When my roommate chews tobacco, I gag and run around the apartment screaming “VOMIT!!”, but then he’ll fart 20 times and I won’t even flinch.

20. I have been kissed by 30% of my “Top Friends”.

Pay No Attention To The Girl Behind The Curtain

Okay, okay. I’ve been trying to update this thing, really. But it’s hard to tell you what I’ve been up to, because most of it falls under Things You Shouldn’t Blog About.

Why shouldn’t you blog about certain things? Well, people get pissed off. People get in trouble. It can come of as weird, creepy or just plain disrespectful. This is a safe spot, girlfriends. I don’t come here to blab about things that aren’t your beeswax, let alone mine.

So… the best way to explain what I’ve been up to is by explaining why I can’t explain it. Got it? No? Well, here we go anyway:

Things You Shouldn’t Blog About

Other People. I’ve been posting a lot of You Tube videos and shoutouts lately. That’s because I really admire these people – I think they are all so funny and talented and stuff. But how much can I write before it gets weird? I don’t know. I guess I can throw this in, though: Josh and Mort absolutely killed at Laughs on the Landing on Saturday – they were by far the best comics of the night. And we ended up hanging out with Kevin from Grace Basement til like 2 in the morning, so I finally got to tell him that I think he’s awesome. In fact, when he came over to say hi, that’s what I blurted out: “Oh, hey! You’re so awesome!” It was a really fun night. But see? Is it weird to blog about all that?

Work. I have great stories about this, believe me. But they’re not all funny stories – I usually get more angry after I tell them. So angry, in fact, that I might write something that I’ll regret later. Like when I get fired. Welcome to the 90’s, y’all: don’t put things on the internet unless you want everyone to see it.

People I’m mad at. Sometimes I use this blog to just vent; I’ve grown up using writing as a way of dealing with my emotions. And I’m not going to lie – there are people I used to love who have seriously hurt me lately, and there’s nothing I can do except deal with it and get to a place where I don’t care anymore. I used to write angry blogs and delete them a week later – now I know better than to post them at all. This rule applies to both the topic above and the next topic, which is…

Boys I make out with. If you only know me through this blog, then I know it seems like I’ve been eternally single. Believe me, I’ve been hanging out with boys every now and then. There may be some kissing involved. I may be having relationshippy talks on the telephone. But that’s my business, and the boys’ business. The only time I will ever write about a boyfriend-y boy is if he does something silly or funny. I will try to refrain from gushing about love or ranting about how he leaves the seat up, or any of that ridiculous nonsense that you people write about. Guess what? Trainwrecks aside, NOBODY CARES.

Losing weight. I lost 15 pounds last month, and this time I did it the normal way instead of the divorce diet. But I just feel like a loser typing that stuff… I mean, do you really want to read about my fat ass? Next thing you know, I’ll start blogging about my cats (which is only cool and funny if you are named Pamie). This is why I haven’t been drinking and/or going out for pizza with you guys everyday. However, I will probably blog about the webble that I’m making out of a skateboard.

Other people’s problems. My friends are all nuts in the best way, and oftentimes they have great drama in their lives. These make for great stories, however, they are not mine to tell. I can tell you that I’ve been spending a lot of time talking on the phone, delivering wine and baked goods, and trying to be a good listener. But that’s about as far as I can go.

My stalkers. Speaking of other people’s problems – holy crap. These aren’t the same stalkers I had a few years ago. One of those stalkers actually turned out to be quite cool. These are new stalkers and they kind of freak me out, and I can’t go into why they’re stalking me because then they will know that I know. I mean, I get that people read my archives. That’s fine; it’s why they’re there. I understand the appeal of MySpace stalking – we are all guilty of it. Don’t lie. But then it gets to a point where they just plain creep me out, and I worry about writing things that will set them off.

Stupid shit. I dance around my apartment to The Gossip. I work out on The Bean during 21 Jump Street marathons. I have bummed a smoke or two from Charles, my 17-year-old “thug life” neighbor. I’ve been reading (and actually filling out) the Feeling Good Handbook. I found out who killed Laura Palmer 16 years after you did. Toddlers just look at me and laugh hysterically; I don’t know why. I bought more Mates of State CDs this weekend and I have “concerts” in my car. I’m sure you’ve picked up on the fact that I don’t use this blog to look cool or smart. It’s definitely too late for that. But sometimes my life is just too random and dumb to come up with a cohesive topic for you. I guess I could write something educational, but again – I’m just watching 21 Jump Street.

Oh, this is sort of educational – did you know that Holly Robinson Peete sings the 21 Jump Street theme song? And more importantly, did you know that JOHNNY DEPP and Peter Deluise are the guys yelling “Jump!” in the background? There you go.

So see? I haven’t been dropped off the face of the earth… I’m pretty busy. It’s just kind of hard to explain right now, is all.