Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #11

TA/OA Confession #11: I’ve skipped more than one trip to the Y this week to continue my marathon of Pretty Little Liars.

It is the stupidest show. But I’m in it for the long haul, and I’m totally gay for Spencer even though Emily is the gay PLL. I also have the hots for Ezra despite his being named “Ezra”.

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #10

TA/OA Confession #10: I still have the hots for Diplo, even though I just realized he’s in that Die Antwoord video with all the penises.

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #9

I never really watched Sex and The City before. I hated women who identified themselves as “a Carrie” or “a Samantha”, so I wanted no part of the phenomenon.

But Justin and I have access to HBO Go these days, so I figured, why the hell not? And I watched the whole series in about a month. Guess what, y’all? I’m a total Carrie! But Samantha is gross.

This week, Justin’s mom visited and brought along her foreign exchange student from Brazil, Milene. We wanted to entertain her, so we went to the Arch, the Fabulous Fox, Busch Stadium (her parents are huge baseball fans), City Garden, and the City Museum. We also gave her a tour of my work because she loves animals and she’s passionate about dog rescue. We ate at some of the best restaurants downtown: Kota, Rooster, Bailey’s Range, and the Old Spaghetti Factory.

We stopped by Mad Art Gallery so Justin’s mom could see where we’re going to get married. Justin and I walked to Laclede’s Landing today and took the long way to the grocery store because it was so gorgeous outside. And to top it off, I ran 5 miles yesterday and 5 miles today.

So, I earned the right to watch something dumb today, right?

TA/OA Confession #9: I watched the movie Sex and The City 2 in the bathtub*–and I liked it.

*The last half. My bathtub wouldn’t let me spend 150 minutes in there even if I wanted to. It’s not that bad if you pretend it’s just 5 episodes in a row. Also, I liked the feminist message of the movie, but I was just as horrified by Samantha as the men in the Arab Emirates. “Lawrence of My Labia”?  *shudder infinity*

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #8

TA/OA Confession #8 – I’m really sad I don’t have time to go to Branson and see The Osmonds this Christmas.

I’ve been obsessed with The Osmonds this year – something I’ll go into more detail about someday – and I really want to see them all perform together while I still can. I’m going to act like these chicks:

They sound a little less than perfect in this clip, but you should know that Jay (the crazy dancing Osmond) usually plays the drums, and Merrill (the one playing drums) usually plays lead guitar. I didn’t know they switched it up until I saw this clip. Merrill may have just replaced Alan as my second-favorite Osmond. (Jay is my fave.)

And if you think this is nerdy, you can just SHUT YOUR G*DD*MN NON-MORMAN FACE OKAY.

Hot For The Osmonds

You guys, I have five tiny little boners in my heart. Adorable heart boners. In matching outfits.

FUN FACT: The Osmonds f*#&ing rocked.

For further evidence that they rocked and were totally hot, check out Crazy Horses. (PHILOSOPHICAL SIDENOTE: if a YouTube video is “embedding disabled”, does it really exist?)

I’ve been trying to spread the gospel of The Osmonds and their, like, three rocking songs for a week now.

Pandy and I have crushes on all of them (hold ME tight, Merrill), but we both agreed that in the above video, Donnie Osmond reminds us of Shane from The L Word. This fact confuses us in about ten thousand different ways that our bodies do not understand, and it drags up a lot of old issues that he and I promised to never mention again.

P.S. I saw Paul Simon tonight!!! He sang “Mrs. Robinson”!! Wheeee!!!

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #7

I thought about this when I was writing that list of random facts, but I think it deserves to be a TA/OA confession. This one is heavy, so get ready.

TA/OA Confession #7: I really, seriously love powdered foods.

I don’t actually eat stuff as straight powder anymore. I get really happy if there is an unmixed clump of it on my fork. Needless to say, streusel is still a fave. I try to eat like a grown-up… but when I was a child, if it was powder, I wanted it straight.

Nestle Quik. Cake mix. Country Time Lemonade. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese cheese. DELICIOUS.

One day, my mom and I were baking cookies and she looked over just as I was dipping a spoon into the flour jar. And then I straight-up ate it. I ate flour. She didn’t even know to react. Like, who does that? Answer:

I think I got this from my Grandpa. He and I used to have weekly contests over who could dump the most parmesan into our SpagettiO’s. I don’t know if there was ever a winner; my Grandma would always get grossed out and beg us to stop.

There may be a direct correlation between all the spooky chemicals and preservatives that I ingested as a child, and the ease of which I am confessing this to you now. But in the future, when we are all stuck in space stations with protein shake powder and no water? It will be up to me to keep humanity going.

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #6

Ever since the “Ireland Incident”, I’ve had to spend a lot of time at the dentist.* And I have to say, getting a root canal on my front tooth 5 years ago has made me immune to the usual fears and pains associated with “Dr. Smile.”

I feel absolutely zero pain when I go to the dentist, even when I’m getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I know everyone on the staff and it’s like catching up with old friends. I think the chairs are super comfortable. I can hold entire conversations with a mouth full of cotton. I know what number is assigned to each tooth. I even know the color (C3 with a dash of A3).

You know how babies won’t sleep unless they’re in a moving car? Fire up that drill, aim towards my cavities and I’m out like a light. The most refreshing nap I’ve ever had was a few months ago when I got a crown.

TA/OA Confession #9: I LOVE going to the dentist.

I think dentists get a bad rap because of Steve Martin. This song is to dentists what the movie “It” is to clowns:

“Watch him suck up that gas – oh my god!” Still cracks me up.

*I wrote about this years ago but that entry was god awful. I will give it a proper re-telling soon (and it will be much more fun now that I hate that guy).

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #5

I just received some truly terrifying news about my dad. Not about his leg – this time it’s his heart. There are only two ways this situation can go, and it’s hard to be hopeful when both options are equally scary. We won’t have an official prognosis until tomorrow, so I’ll have fun sleeping thinking about that tonight.

I actually do have fun things to tell you (including HIGH FIVING MATES OF STATE), so I figured I would just throw the bad news out there and then bury it with happier stuff. I wish I could do that in real life. It can’t hurt to try, I suppose. Anyway…

Today’s TA/OA Confession is in honor of my dad. He is super SUPER Republican. He stays at home all day because of his vision and he LOVES listening to Conservative talk radio.

He has a radio in the kitchen, the den and his bathroom. During lunch he turns them all on so he can listen to the radio wherever he is. Also? He is kind of deaf so they’re all turned up pretty high.

I lived in the basement through college and grad school, so if I was working on a paper, eating lunch or doing my laundry, my ears would be bombarded with Conservative talk radio the second I stepped upstairs. There is really no escaping it unless you have some Jimi Hendrix on-hand.

Eventually I learned to tune the radio out. It became white noise (even more than it already is, if you know what I mean). I stopped listening to what they were saying and just tolerated the tone of their voices. It blended in with the creaks in the floor, moans in the pipes and the smells in the air. Like the sound of the train I currently hear every day, it became something I connected with Being At Home. More importantly, that’s how I know my dad is there.

TA/OA Confession #7: I am comforted (and possibly even soothed) by the sound of Rush Limbaugh’s voice.

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #4

I’ve mentioned this before, but I have a double uvula. Excuse me, a “bifid” uvula. It’s my favorite thing about myself.

Only 1% of Caucasians have a double uvula, but it’s a very common trait in Native Americans, especially Cherokee. (Adopted kids have an annoying habit of claiming to be whatever ethnicity they want, but I’ll spare you from that.)

If I lived in parts of the world that use gutteral sounds, I would probably have a speech impediment because it’s a mild form of cleft palette. This explains why I sucked so much at French.

I used to love showing off my double uvula. However, I hate my tonsils and I don’t want anyone to see them, so I haven’t shown off my uvula in a while.

TA/OA Confession #4: I tried to take a picture of my uvula without my tonsils, and guess what I think it looks like:

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #3

This one will take a bit of effort to explain, but bear with me.

I’m sure that there are things in the future that will change my life and that I will enjoy immensely. I doubt I will go the marriage and kids route, but I know interesting things will happen.

However, no matter what happens and no matter how happy I am, there will still be responsibilities. I will still have a job and I will always owe someone money. I will have chores. I will miss people. I will worry about my family. Hell, even if I move and make a whole new life, eventually it will become boring and mundane again.

There was a time when none of this was the case. I had no job. No bills. I had classes, but they were a breeze. Everyone around me was new and nice and hilarious and nearby. I had cleaning ladies. I had cooks. I was falling in love and believed it was possible. I wrote all the time and it wasn’t work. I could say, “I want to go to France,” and be in Paris by the weekend. Hell, even a walk down the street to get a newspaper was an adventure because everything was different and wonderful.

I will never live like that again. Ever. And therefore…

I know for a fact that I have already lived the best day of my life. I’m not sure which one it was, but out of 115 days, I was only sad for 5 of them. You can’t beat that ratio.

There was a time (as you may know) when this depressed the hell out of me. I didn’t see the point in life at all.

But now I’m happy it happened at 20… it showed me the person I can be when you strip away the crap, and now I have a million years to remember and appreciate those days.

TA/OA Confession #3: I love having nothing to live for, because it frees me up for virtually everything.

NOTE: I felt the exact same way about living in Guatemala, so I’ll admit that I could be wrong. We’ll see.

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #2

I updated my resume and sent it to cities I’ve always wanted to live in.
Do I like my job? Yes. Am I qualified for these new places? Maybe, maybe not.

Some days I’m in the mood to Go For It in general, you know?

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #1

Okay, so here is my first TA/OA Confession:

I want to “do” Eugene Hutz.

Even with the gold tooth. Hell, especially with the gold tooth.

This both thrills me and appalls me. Ergo, a TA/OA Confession.

Edited to say: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. I found a clip from Live Earth that features not only Eugene Hutz, but my secret boyfriend Cloud (wearing another vest). They both dry hump Madonna, which is tough competition but at least they have the same taste in women.