The Moment I Wake Up… Before I Put On My Makeup…

Dear Jesus,

Thank you very much for this McDonald’s Breakfast which I am about to eat.

Thank you for the number three combo, and all that it has bestowed on me on this glorious morning. Thank you for this wonderful delicacy, the Bacon, Egg & Cheese biscuit. Thank you God for delicious crispy hash browns that come in cute little paper sleeves that taste so wonderful always. Thank you for my “Premium, More Robust” coffee.

No matter how much I have drank last night, no matter how little I have slept, or how early I have to go into work, I know that I can count on you, Lord, and Ronald McDonald to provide me with a delightful combination of grease and salt and artificial bacon product that will instantly cure me of any hangover or fatigue or cranky trials and tribulations that I have faced in my journey from my bed to the drive-thru window.

Thank you for this biscuit, and the way it flakes perfectly as if straight from the Cracker Barrel. Thank you for melting cheese on everything. Thank you for fluffy fake eggs that are folded more perfectly than any garment I have ever owned. Thank you for letting the bacon taste like bacon even though it is probably not bacon. Thank you for teaching your disciples to fry potatoes in such a glorious manner. Thank you for cream and sugar automatically placed in the cup for me, Jesus.

Ye, though I drive through the valley which has not been snowplowed yet, I will not fear sliding off of the highway overpass onto the other highway, for thou art with me. Thy golden arches in the distance, they comfort me.

Forgive us for our trespasses, and forgive those who trespass against us by making us stay out for “just one more” beer when you have to work in the morning, and then call you at 2am to sing The Warrior by Scandal (“Shootin’ at the walls of heartache – bang bang! I am the warrior…”).

Thank you for a roommate who will wake up at 6 am to help me scrape off my car, who doesn’t laugh at me as I whimper and bitchslap snow off of my roof, and lights a cigarette for me when I am wearing my mittens. And thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus for McDonald’s Breakfast.

Also, please turn my power back on.



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7 responses to “The Moment I Wake Up… Before I Put On My Makeup…

  1. Chop

    Hilarious and oddly appropriate. I am reading this at 7 in the morning with a hangover so we may be thousands of miles away but were still drinking too much in proximity to each other. There’s a McD’s right near me, but alas no breakfast menu. That’s okay, I’ll probably just go drink some dog soup. Cheers.

  2. Mike

    Yes, indeed amen. I have power. Call me.

  3. Tony

    As your roomate, I have to say, the cold brings out the best in slumber buddies. If we were in the movie “Alive”, I would let you eat me so that you could sleep. Then I would let you eat Shamus. Too bad you went to bed early tonight. Work can wait. Drinking buddies need to stay with each other.

  4. But we have power now, so I don’t have to eat you… just your Teddy Grahams.

    Thanks for being the Heath to my Gyllenhaal.

  5. monkeylover

    thanks for your comment! hope you’re back to normal with power, etc. haven’t seen a flake yet up here. dammit.

    that’s my favorite mcdonalds breakfast too.

  6. Kevin

    I’m up late going over shortcake classics. Love this one.

  7. Pingback: Go Shortcake, It’s Your Birthday | Secretly Stephie

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